After what seems like years, I am finally a full time mom!

My baby is back and we've been having a blast getting to know each other again. She is learning at light speed and it's a little challenging to keep up with her. For instance, she has learned to wiggle away from most restraints, how to turn her toys off (but not on.. that's the important part!) and how to keep mommy entertained by having me chase her all around the floor.

Exibit A: Allie and I on the floor playing with her toys.

Allie not being nearly as happy playing by herself.

So far, it has taken me about 4 days to make this post since I've been so busy but I am thrilled to be a full time mommy. There is no way I could leave this little angel with anyone while I went to work, and we finally have the means to give Alyssa the full time attention that she deserves.

I love her to the stars and I know the New Year is going to be a lot brighter now that we're all together again.

Happy New Year!

FINALLY!

MY BABY IS COMING HOME IN LESS THAN AN HOUR!!!!!!!!!!

that is all.

Woo Woo!

Tomorrow, right about 1pm CST, my parents will be piling into their truck to bring Alyssa home. FINALLY!

Excited does not even begin to describe how I feel right now.

I am very thankful for the time that she got to spend with her grandparents, great-grandparents and assorted friends and family, but it's time for my baby to be home.

In other news, we are moving to the middle of nowhere fairly soon.

The plus side? We can most likely get base housing there (or buy an inexpensive house... our monthy payments would be way lower than our housing allowance. Score!) so that we don't have to worry so much about our financial state.

The down side? I can't think of anything but then again I've never actually visited this village.

The most awesome thing in the world? We will have our family back together.

Thanks to everyone that supported us through this struggle and for those that didn't support us, go hit yourself with a sack of hammers. Now. I'll wait.

Done? Good.

On a side note: Recession Christmas has actually been really, really good to us. I got some amazing deals on things that we needed/wanted. For the first time in a while I was very glad that we live in this city and have access to to the kind of shopping that makes sure you can have money left over but not feel like you had to give up everything.

I will miss these stores very, very much. (Seriously, I saw a pair of Coach rain boots for $13... COACH! Yes, they were real.)

Anywho, time to eat dinner and get everything perfect for Alyssa's first Christmas!

Listen up

I got my first flames so I guess that means I'm a real blogger now?

This is my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. It really shouldn't have to go any further than that.

I can say whatever the fuck I want, because you see, this is my blog.

I won't always be nice, I won't always have anything interesting to say, but that doesn't matter because it is my blog.

As long as I am protected under the first amendment, I will continue to say what I want. And I will post it here. Because this is my blog.

You can call me names, leave negative comments, basically do anything except threaten me or my family because you are also protected under the first amendment.

However, this is my blog, and I may not respond well to your feedback. But that's alright. Because you don't have to read it.

See that little X in the upper right hand corner of the screen? That will take you away from my blog so that you don't have to read the things that I write.

If I were required to censor myself or put some thought into what I'm posting, I would be getting paid for this. But I'm not. Why? This is a free blog and I am just not that interesting.

When you don't like a television show do you sit there and scream at the actors? No. You change the channel. Oddly, the internet works in a similar fashion. If you don't like what you're reading, there are tons of other pages out there. You can view them all, if you like! It would probably be a better use of your time.

Now, to address some of the comments that were left:

1. Putting a "burden" on my aging parents.

They are thrilled to be able to spend time with their grand-daughter. She's getting to see both sets of grand-parents and her great-grandmas. She's having a blast. And so are they. Yes they have lives, but you see, you can continue to live even with a newborn. "It takes a village to raise a child" Well, they have a village ready to step in if anyone ever needs a break.

2. I am not the only Military Wife.

That is correct. I'm not. And I don't act like I am. In fact, I'm part of a group of Military wives and we meet once a month to discuss important issues. We also do neat things like make blankets for Soldier's Angels and assist with dinner/law care/car maintenance for families that are deployed. If we had more time to get a gameplan together, they probably could have even watched my daughter. We didn't.

3. I'm a stupid bitch.

You are 100% correct. Sorry, I have no rebuttal.

4. You should live on base.

Yeah, we should. The thing is, we couldn't get base housing when we moved out here. By the time a slot opened, we couldn't get out of our lease. Just before the housing market crashed, we planned to buy a house. That fell through and we got stuck in another lease. Living on base wouldn't be as easy as you think, either. You see, my husband works at a base where there is no base housing. It's over an hour away at a different, larger base. So that would solve the rent problem, but it would create several other problems.

5. You sent your daughter away because you want to sleep.

No, we weren't able to find workable childcare for the hours that we needed. Even though I don't have an infant with me twenty four hours a day, I am still not sleeping. Why? Because I wake up thinking that I hear her crying. I lay awake at night wondering if I have screwed my daughter up for life by sending her to her grandparents. And some nights, I just can't sleep.

If our childcare situation had worked out, we would have been fine. We felt that our daughter was not being taken care of and so we had to make adjustments in a timely manner.

6. What if you didn't have your family? What would you have done then?

We would have figured something out.

7. Live in a shithole.

Then we would have to break our lease, which would be counterproductive since it would cost us 5k and we are going to be PCSing soon any way.

8. You should have prepared better.

I agree. The thing is, we weren't trying to get pregnant. Alyssa was an 'oops!'. A very much loved, exciting and wanted oops, but we were not expecting her. We put back a lot of money while I was still pregnant but we ended up having to rely very heavily on our savings when the doctor took me off work at eight and a half months. Sure, I had FMLA but it didn't kick in until she was actually born and only ran for 6 weeks. It was better than nothing, but it turns out that babies are expensive. As a new mom, I had no idea what to expect financially.

9. You will never know what it is like to experience all there is to experience with having a baby.

This is not the first baby that I have raised, but it is the first that is my own. Now, if you are planning to remove my ovaries so that I can't have more kids, I'd really like a heads up. Just so I can take some time off work. You know how it is.

I was with her for the first three and a half months. I loved it. I don't mind getting up at night with a baby. I don't mind the fussing and the crying. In fact, I thought it was a wonderful thing. I never thought that we would have children, then I didn't think that either of us would live through the birth, and here she was. This gorgeous little girl that I got to keep forever. Yes, it did get frustrating and yes I was suffering from post-partum depression. Everyone goes through it.

10. You don't give a baby that young water and only water.

We never gave her straight water. There was one bottle that was 90% water because we didn't have any more formula with us and she wanted to nurse but I was not comfortable doing that in public.

I know some parents that give their babies at least one bottle of water a day and they are just as happy and healthy as the other babies I know.

11. You don't blow in a babies face and then laugh at it when it cries. Many people saw you do this.

Really? There were only a handful of times that I even took my daughter out so if you could please be more specific about the incident, I would greatly appreciate it. P.S. Blowing in a baby's face helps it stop crying. They are surprised by the sudden gust of air and it makes them pause.

12. Oh, like you are the FIRST ONE to ever have a colicy baby who doesn't sleep! Get off your fucking high horse!

I don't own a horse.

If you read my buddy, The Ophelia Entries, you will see that I know all about colicky babies. In fact, we discussed it quite a bit since her little girl was also very colicky. Colic just means that the baby cries for more than three hours a day for more than three days a week for at least three weeks. Usually it is accompanied by abdominal pain and gas. Yes, it is common but not all babies are colicky.



Now that we've handled that, I have disabled anonymous commenting, so if you want to bash me you will have to do so with a name, any name, attached. Have a great day!

The final word on our decision

A lot of people have given me a lot of shit about letting my daughter stay with her grandparents and great-grandparents in Arkansas.

I have taken it, and taken it, and taken it... but this is it. I'm done.

Point-blank, if I had quit my job to stay home with Alyssa, because that's what it would have taken, we would be homeless.

My husband is a Senior Airman in the United States Air Force and I make more money than he does. I work in a call center. He is a co-pilot for a multi-million dollar plane.

How fair is that?

Note, I said homeless. Not financially strapped, not unable to afford the things we have-- homeless.

Yes, we have several game systems, a large flat panel television, a lay-z-boy recliner and a new couch but we bought most of those things before we had a baby. If we hadn't bought them, we could have put more money in savings, but hey... people with babies work all the time, right?

Sure, if they have a support system, reliable childcare and an easy baby. We had a colicky, fussy baby with a very short temper that felt sleep was for sissies. We also have to deal with my husbands ever-changing schedule and my very demanding job.

We also had no support system and incredibly unreliable childcare.

Do. Not. Judge. Me.

We made the best decision for our family and it has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Including the time I actually was homeless.

Don't lecture me about missing important events with my daughter. Believe me, I know. I wasn't there for Halloween. I wasn't there when she was sick. I wasn't there for Thanksgiving. I wasn't there to stop her MiMi from giving her applesauce that hurt her tummy. I wasn't there to hold her at night when she missed me. I wasn't there to kiss her when she felt bad.

Everything I have done for the last two and a half months has been solely for the purpose of keeping my mind off of everything.

At work, people see her picture and ask me when I'm going to bring her in. Then I have to explain that she's with her grandparents and it starts all over.

My precious little girl is growing up without me and I hate it.

At least she will be home soon. When she is older, I'm going to have to explain why we did this. I hope she understands. I hope she knows that I didn't want to leave her. I hope she knows that we wanted her to stay with us and that we love her. And I hope she is strong enough to do the same thing if it ever comes down to it.

Just a few more days...

Before the end of the month I will have my daughter back and I'll be a stay at home mom.

I can't wait!

In other news, the move got pushed back, yet again... so who knows when we are leaving. It's a really good thing I went back to work for a bit or we would never be able to afford our rent.

Work has been really difficult for me and I am just counting down the days. Honestly, I've had one foot out the door for quite some time and as soon as I have deposited my bonus check, it'll be smooth sailing.

We are looking for a home to purchase at our new location and it isn't going to well. Mostly because we don't have solid plans but partially because our budget will be so tight.

I know that I will not be able to leave my sweet baby girl for a while, so we will just have to find a way to make it work.

I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't focus too much on the time that is passing. I finished (well, wrote 50,000 words...) my NaNoWriMo and I'm going to clean it up so that I can get a free published copy in June. That will be super exciting!

I also started making a quilt. I don't know what possessed me to take on that project but I'm almost halfway done... or so I think. I've never made one of these before but I assume the patchwork part is the most time consuming... then again, I could be completely wrong.

Once I'm done, I'll post pictures for your amusement.

How are you?

Letting my daughter stay with my parents and my in-laws has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Emotionally, I'm hanging by a thread.

To add to my stress level, my husband was told that we are going to be moving in December. I will have to stay behind, all alone, until I get that stupid effing bonus or else every sacrifice we have made will all be for nothing.

Here's the scoop. It takes me an hour to get to work each day so basically with my commute, I devote an extra 10 hours a week to my job-- unpaid.

A while back they started making us do 30 minutes of mandatory overtime each day. Cool. fine. whatever.

Yesterday, we got news that instead of thirty minutes each day we are now required to do 8 HOURS A WEEK. 4 hours of which have to be during peak times, from 4-8pm Monday through thursday or from 6am to 8pm on Saturday.

Kay.

I work 11-8 with Tuesday/Wednesday off. This means that I will be forced to either go in crazy early on Saturday or show up on a day off. Plus squeeze in 4 hours of overtime elsewhere.

So.. this takes my workweek from 50 hours to 58 hours... If I go in on my day off, 60 hours with the commute. Plus, since it will be at peak traffic times, it could easily become 62 hours.

The crap, Job. The crap.

It's one thing to put in an extra hour or so if you live close by... its a whole different story if you live across town and have to drive really far to get there.

If you live five minutes away, working 2 extra hours make it a long day, but it's totally do-able on a regular basis.

If you live an hour away, that makes for one long ass day, plus unsafe driving conditions. Hello exhaustion!

This bonus is seeming more and more unattainable... I wonder if that's part of their master plan.

Now, just imagine if I had to throw childcare into the mix. When we were using our sitter on base, my commute went from 2 hours a day to 3.5 hours. If I were topping that off with crazy ass overtime, I would die. Die, I tell you.

I am so tempted to just quit and go get my baby. I know I would be happier. It wouldn't be possible to be more miserable than I am right now.

My Husband is still working overnights, so we never see each other. I feel so alone and I miss my baby. Emotionally, I don't know if I'm going to make it through Christmas at my job. I heard a rumor that they may be handing out the bonuses early to boost morale. If they do, I'm out.

I will get my daughter and live happily ever after.

Let's hope for the best and dread the worst, when the overtime really kicks in after thanksgiving.

Honestly, this year, it's really hard to think of something to be thankful for, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. I can always see the silver lining and I refuse to let this situation be any different.

So good I had to share....

I've been super busy trying to get my Nano done. I'm at about 25,000 words, so I'm halfway there! To make up for my lack of posting, here's a quick recipe.

I made a super awesome dinner last night and I wanted to share it with you.
(serves 2-4)

1 bag of cheese and broccoli rice
1 pouch of tuna
2 tbsp red pepper alfredo sauce
garlic powder to taste
onion powder to taste
1 pouch crushed red pepper (like, from pizza hut)

make rice according to instructions adding tuna after the water boils (when you turn the heat down.)

Wait 5-6 minutes then add garlic powder, alfredo sauce, onion powder and crushed red pepper.

Serve with buttered wheat toast.

It only takes about 15 minutes from start to finish and it's really good.

Spotty

Sorry for the lack of posting. Rather than doing NaBloPoMo, I'm doing NaNoWriMo! I'm currently at 12,000 words. Only 38,000 to go!

there has been a bit of drama in the air lately, some of it about my NaNo story. Alyssa is in AR with her grandparents. I've been missing a bit of work due to my emotional state. Last night I got more sleep than I've had in the last two weeks combined, I could go right back to bed and sleep that long again.

Father in law called yelling at me yesterday. I screamed at him. It was lovely. I have never spoken so forcefully to my husbands family but he had no right to yell at me. Especially since I was supposed to be at work then anyway.

Then I called my mom and learned some interesting things about what my in laws have been subjecting my baby to.

I don't know that they will be caring for her in the future. I may just go and get her. I'm so mad I could spit nails.

We are officially moving. More info once I'm in the 'safety zone'.

One of my only friends in Las Vegas forced me to buy an ipod touch (she even paid for part of it... how awesome is that?!) and I've been spending waaaayyy too much time with the silly aps.

Then again, after we worked, like, a 17 hour shift, I think I deserve a little mindless fun.

Oh yeah, we had hella overtime at work.

It was a little awesome.

this just in: working for a living sucks.

I will post a more thorough update soon, but for now, I need to write like the wind!

This is Halloween...

My dearest friend, if you don't mind.
I'd like to join you by your side,
where we can gaze into the stars.
And sit together,
now and forever.
For it is plain as anyone can see,
we're simply meant to be

We made it 4 years! Who would have thought. I love you to the stars and I can't imagine a life without you in it. We started with next to nothing, and look at how we've grown! There's money in the bank, we have a gorgeous daughter, a giant ass cat and name brand electronics. Every day I look forward to spending time with you, even when we're just hanging out on the couch. Some of my favorite memories come from lazy days laying in bed, watching tv. You may not be the coolest person I know, but I certainly love you the most ;)

Without the bad, you cannot truly appreciate the good so I would not trade a moment of the last 4 years for anything.

I love you, babe. Through Heaven and Hell.

Now, if only I could sleep...

Since my daughter has been staying with her grandparents, I've spent a lot of time alone. So far I haven't really been able to get anything done since I've been sick. To make things easy, here's a short list of the things I haven't been doing:

Cleaning
Cooking
Housekeeping
Working Overtime
Sleeping
Packing
Repainting the Walls
Paying Attention to the Finances


The thing is, my baby is gone, My Husband is working graveyard, and I'm so stressed out from work that I wan't to explode. What's a girl to do?

Everyone's always asking how the baby is. I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me and my family. But... When I talk about it all the time, I miss her so much more. If I really think about it, I can almost feel her snuggled up on my shoulder, trying to fit my cheek into her mouth. I can almost hear her cooing at me while I try to fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I hear her cry. Then I cry because she isn't here.

Everyone keeps saying they don't know how I can do it; that they wouldn't have the strength. How am I doing it? Not well. Not well at all.

I really don't know that I'll be able to hold out until Christmas. That's two whole months away.

I have to. I have to do this for my family. I have to be stronger than I think I am. I know that we were meant to take her to Arkansas. It can't be coincidence that she got sick in the city with the best pediatrics hospital in the nation. I don't think chance led my father in law to retire early, making him available to watch Alyssa. I feel like we're being herded toward something fantastic and I'll just have to be patient until we have a better understanding of what we are supposed to do.

I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

'Ello gov'ner

Dear Blog,

Hi there! Remember me? Your writer? Yeah... sorry I haven't written in a while. Things got a little intense.

You see, first, we took Allie to stay with her Grandparents in Arkansas. That was an ordeal... I couldn't possibly have written while we were down there. And it's probably a good thing I didn't. Someday, Allie will read this and wonder why I keep calling Mimi "Lucifer" and why her daddy called Pops an egotistical prick.

Fortunately, Gigi and Grumpy are much more tame.

During our stay, we did lots of fun things like check out my parent's cabin, eat at a lot of amazing places, and visit some pretty cool people. We did some things that sucked too. Like fighting with my in-laws and sitting in the ER of Children's Hospital waiting on test results.

Oh, did I mention? Allie got swine flu. They say it was probably from the plane but I just don't know. Right now I kind of see this as "Hey, you just spent $1,000 to give your daughter pork chop fever and dump her with her grandparents. Mother of the Year award coming right up!".

I miss my daughter. I really, really dislike my job right now, and My Husband is working overnight so I'm all alone.

Being a grownup isn't very much fun right now.

Did I mention that I forgot to pack my Zoloft for the trip? Yeah, that went well...

Anyway, everything is starting to calm down a little bit so hopefully we'll be in touch more. I hope you understand-- it wasn't you, it's me.

Please forgive me. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,
Mallomar

Survey says...

The results are in. What results? The cancer results.

So, as the doctor explained to me, the cervix is round like a clock. They took tissue samples from the cell clusters at 1 oclock and 9 oclock. The tissue from 1 oclock is perfect and normal and everything is happy. The tissue from 9 oclock... well... we just don't know. I have to go back in 6 months for another colposcopy. So the threat of cancer is still looming, but at least we know that part of me is alright.

In other news, we are bringing Alyssa to Arkansas on the 7th of October. She will be staying with a combination of all of her grand and great-grand parents, plus my aunt and possibly some family friends. The village is raising my child.

When will we get her back? That's really up in the air right now. It's possible that she will be back at the end of November, or the beginning of December, or Christmas Eve.

This means that I will miss my baby's first Halloween, her first Thanksgiving, and possibly her first Christmas Eve.

I am beyond sad.

I just keep telling myself that this is a choice and we made the best choice for our family. She is going to be with people that love her and she is going to be well cared for so I don't have to worry about someone flaking out and leaving her with people I don't know.

Her diaper will also be changed.

Today, a friend of mine is going to the courthouse with me to try and get this whole traffic violation thing taken care of. The automated system made it sound like I won't be responsible for paying anything as long as I go down there and prove that I have insurance.

I'm not sure how that works since the ticket is mainly for speeding, but let's hope that it's correct.

I have to get this taken care of today or at least sometime in the next few days, since we will be in Arkansas on my court date. Let's hope this goes smoothly.

What have we learned?

So, I found this auction site called pennypurses.net where they auction designer bags. The catch is, you have to pay for your bids, then the price of the bag if you win. So basically you're paying for the opportunity to purchase a designer bag. Not only do you have to pay for your bids, but every time a person submits a bid, it adds 10 seconds to the auction clock.

Great business plan. Sucks for the bidders.

Last night, there was a coach bag that I desperately wanted. I've seen this bag before and I decided that I was going to bid on it.

So I bought some bids. Then ended up in a 3 hour bidding war, spent $140 and didn't get the damn bag.

my husband was mad.

not near as mad as I was. Not that I didn't win the bag, whatever, but that I spent so much money trying to win the bag.

This brought up a very sensitive topic, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone. My husband turned to me and screamed "Why are you such a fucking jew? Just buy the damn bag already and get on with your life."

Little does he realize that we wouldn't be able to afford a lot of the things that we have if I weren't so frugal. How do I have Gucci glasses and several pairs of Uggs? I'm thrifty.

And before you jump on the "oh my god, Uggs are hideous" bandwagon, they aren't the classic style and they are damn comfy.

I clip coupns and shop sales... I stockpile groceries and cut expenses where I can. By shopping in a better way, we've had enough money to pay off all of our credit cards and still have some money left for the things we want. Since giving birth, I've been going through a lot of emotional stuff and I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. This time, unfortunately, I've been using major retail therapy to fill the gaps in my life.

I have spent more money of frivolous things in the past few months than I think I spent on the same sorts of things last year. Why? Hecka sales on children's clothes, bakeware, electronics and home goods.

Why? Because the economy is in the crapper.

Why? Because people spent more than they could afford.

Why? To fill the gaps in our lives and to stay happy.

Case in point, I am not happy. See previous posts for details.

Now, before you start throwing stones and telling me that I could stay home if I weren't buying plush hamburger shaped CD cases, let me just be honest. I couldn't. This is using excess money from my job. Yes, I get paid pretty well.

If I can make it through December and get that bonus, I will be able to stay home with my daughter, be a lot happier, and hopefully cut back on the excess shopping.

In the mean time, I made a fatal miscalculation in our budget and my husband and I spent a crazy amount of money at Best Buy yesterday... long before the stupid auction. I checked our bank account only to realize that our car payment has not gone through yet. Whoopsie daisy...

Now I'm pulling money out of savings to make sure that nothing happens before my paycheck goes in. After I get paid, I can probably transfer all of the money back to our savings account-- after I pay our sitter.

I don't want to pay our sitter. I think she's doing a terrible job and she isn't living up to our agreement. But I have to. She is watching our daughter while I'm at work so that I can get a paycheck which is worth the pay.... I guess.

So I guess I'd better get back to clipping coupons before I kill our budget 2 months in a row. Buying things is fun. I wish I didn't think it was, but I do. Now I just have to learn to live with it. Hmm... maybe there's a sale I need to know about...

Revelations

Lately, it seems like I'm stuck at the mouth of a cornucopia, getting smashed in the face by whatever hellish fiend flies out next.

I really don't want to whine, but it seems like a year's (or three...) worth of excitement has bounded ever so happily into our quiet little home. It started with the baby. Well, the pregnancy, actually. I discovered I was pregnant, went insane, lost our roommate, had 2 root canals, discovered I might have cancer, got gestational diabetes, hypertension, and pre-e... then had an emergency c-section where we both almost died.

Following that, I had the fastest c-section recovery the hospital had ever seen.

Then I discovered I was allergic to Percoset, stopped breathing, discovered that I had to care for this little lovey without much assistance, and tried to balance our budget for me to stay home.

Then my company was acquired by a rival. Part of the deal is that the rival has to buy the employees too. That means that we all get bonuses.... on the condition that you are an employee in good standing come December. At that point, you get half of 40% of your earnings from July 2008-July 2009. The second half will be delivered December of 2010.

This was all fine and dandy because my husband was supposed to be getting transferred in October so it didn't really apply to me.

Then our plans got canceled... the day I was going to resign.

Back to work I go.

Oh, no! Childcare!

"I'll watch her! I'll do it cheap! I don't have a job so anything you pay me will be fine."

"Oh, sorry, I don't want to watch your daughter anymore because you aren't paying me enough and here's a list of dates that I'm unavailable. I know there are days every week but I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to sleep and let my abusive husband watch your daughter all by himself. Now I'm sick. You still haven't paid me. By the way, I'm not available Halloween. I'm taking the kids trick or treating. I'm sorry that you have to work and have no one else to watch her but them's the breaks. Yes I realize that if I had told you I didn't want to keep your daughter just a few days sooner you could have hired a nanny but I really didn't take your feelings or plans into consideration because I resent the fact that you get to work and have a life outside of your kids."

It's time for Alyssa to start teething! And get a wicked diaper rash from her lack of care.

Oh wait, I made a horrible miscalculation, we would be on the streets if I weren't at work. Theres no way we can send her to daycare.

Oh what? Cancer. Shit, I forgot. Okay, do your test.... s0mething's wrong? Do another one, I'll wait patiently for the results.

It's my fault you didn't put the right address on your order? I'm letting some flake keep my daughter for half my pay and I have to put up with this shit? Lets re-evaluate the budget.

Shit. There really isn't enough money to go around.. Oh well, we're getting transferred in January, it'll all be over soon.

What, that may not happen? Oh well, our lease isn't up til January anyway.

November, you say?

Should we move and possibly save money, only to maybe get transferred in January or stay where we are, in a complex we hate, paying way too much?

Too bad I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my husband in a week. We might be able to come up with a plan if I didn't have to go to sleep before he even leaves work.

Can someone please stop the ride? I need a break!!!!!

Just relax, i'm going to rip out pieces of your vagina.

I went for my Colposcopy today. Things weren't as good as they could have been and we'll have to wait a week to see if they are as bad as they could be. Between now and then I have to try and keep my mind off of it. Riiiight.

So, I'm in the office, feet in stirrups and my husband grabs my hand. The doctor explained the procedure-- 'we put vinegar on your cervix. if you have abnormal cells, they will turn white. we'll biopsy any white spots to check for cancer. it could be bad... it could be nothing'

For a moment, I wondered how they dispose of samples once they have been tested. Then I wondered how many pieces of me are floating around the universe... is there a baggie with a little bit of me in it hanging out in Russia? How would I know?

My husband thought this would be a good time to relieve some of my anxiety. "Woah, there's a lady checking out your whohoo with a telescope!"

We all laughed, we kept making jokes, then the cells turned white.

A few snips, some iodine and "mud cells" later, and I was ready to go. We did a little shopping and got some lunch. The retail therapy helped relieve the stress a bit. I bought some frames to put more of our pictures in and I added to Alyssa's new Precious Moments collection.

I have a minor shopping addiction that has kind of exploded since I gave birth. I'm really hoping that I can wean myself off shopping once Christmas passes. At least I'm getting good deals! I haven't paid more than half price for anything and I even got a pair of steel toed boots for $10.

No matter what other problems I have, I just remind myself that I have a wonderful, happy, healthy baby and then I realize that nothing else matters. I want her to stay that way.

She's even sleeping through the night a little! She's such an angel when she's asleep. I love cuddling with her... it makes everything better.

MIA

The last week has been very eventful... kind of like Club Med in hell. Our sitter basically quit, I got my first ever speeding ticket, and I've had to prepare for cancer testing. Oh, Boy!

So, our sitter decided that we were not paying her nearly enough to watch our newborn. Newborns are a lot of work and she feels that she just doesn't have the time to devote to caring for someone else's child. She brought up the fact that she has to pay a sitter $5 an hour and felt that she should get something comparable.

I'm all for people trying to make some money, but we adjusted our plans based on the agreement that she would watch our daughter during the day and sometimes overnight for a set amount of money each week. The theory "I want more money for less work" really irritated me.

Part of the reason we went with her is because she's a friend and she needs the money, part of it was that I didn't want to put Alyssa in daycare or send her to live with my parents for a few months.

Now that the 'babymoon' is over, she doesn't want to live up to her bargain.

So I looked at daycare again. No one that we can afford (and that doesn't have at least 10 metro reports for abuse and molestation) is accepting infants right now.

My job is requiring mandatory overtime, so our lunches have been cut down to the minimum allowed by law and we will probably have to start staying later. This means, for me, that I can no longer pump at work. For Alyssa, that means that she is mostly getting formula.

Another expense.

Then I went and got a speeding ticket.

Alyssa was not in the car, so no hate mail please.

I thought the speed limit was 65 and was coming up over a hill straight into a speed trap. As it turns out, the speed limit was 55... I was doing 71.

I ended up being late to work.

I'm starting to think that all of the bullshit isn't worth it, especially since I spend a good chunk of my day trying to explain that I miss my daughter too much to hang pictures up at my desk.

Hopefully Tuesday we'll find out that I don't have cancer and that'll take some of the stress off. Maybe then I won't be so cranky... lately I've been mean for no reason. Only to the people I love, which makes it worse.

Never to the baby.

I just apologize for not being a better mom.

Maybe this is that PPD is like?

Left foot green, right hand... omg... is that.. poop?

Yes, yes it is.

We went out for a lovely dinner at Olive Garden to celebrate my return to work. Unlimited pasta bowls, great breadsticks, lots of salad... what could possibly go wrong? When you have an infant, you get a whole new perspective on Murphy's' law.

She slept the whole car ride there so I knew we would never make it through the entree without some fussing and sure enough, before we were even done with our first salad plate, she wanted to nurse. I'm not yet comfortable nursing in public and I didn't want to leave the table to nurse in private, so I gave her a bottle. She calmed down and went back to sleep in her car seat. She has these harness pads that feature cute little puppy dogs and she had one ear in her mouth, using her arm as a pillow.

Once our food arrived, angel hair with meat sauce, we dug in. It was really, really good. I got meatballs and sausage on mine. I was in heaven.

After a few minutes, I looked down and noticed that the puppy on the right side was really dirty. I leaned in for closer examination "What did you get all over your puppy? Did that happen at O's?" Then I noticed a small puddle on the right hand side of the car seat. "Oh no... Wipes. I need wipes!"

My Husband grabbed the wipes out of the diaper bag. "This one's empty, get the other one."

He rummaged and found my store brand back-ups at the bottom of the bag. I grabbed a few out and threw them over her right side since she was trying to put her poo covered hand in her mouth.

I asked one of the waiters if he could get me a bag. Sadly, Olive Garden doesn't use plastic. Good for recycling... bad for poo covered clothes. I took it anyway and ran to the bathroom with the car seat. Alyssa stayed remarkably calm.

I got the changing table pulled down, threw her changing pad on it and got everything set to get her cleaned up. Then i got smacked in the head with a stall door. Those bathrooms are tiny!

A little girl tugged on her Mommy's hand "Look at the little baby! Can I go see it?" Her mom walked her over to get a better view. "Oh, what a precious little angel you have! Can my daughter shake her hand?"

"Now really isn't a good time... She's going to start screaming any second."

"Oh, does she not like to get changed?"

"She does just fine with diapers but this is a little more involved."

I grabbed some paper towels to protect my hands (note to self: add disposable gloves to the diaper bag. And an apron.) and grabbed Alyssa under the arm pits.

"Don't do that, you'll drop her... OH MY! Come on honey, let's let this mommy get her cleaned up."

It was worse than I thought. Her entire right side was covered in poop. All the way to her ear. I didn't even know where to start. I grabbed some wipes and got as much as I could cleaned up, then I changed her diaper. I'm not sure who thought it would be a good idea to put real buttons on the back of a dress (her brand new dress. never worn. so cute.) but they need to be stabbed.

I couldn't get all of the buttons undone while trying to keep her from squirming to the floor, so it was a little bit of a struggle to pull her dress down rather than going over hear head, but I finally got it off. I tossed it in the paper bag, along with everything that was in the car seat, and realized that her new diaper was now poo covered. So I put down some paper towels and changed her diaper again.

I lined her car seat with paper towels so that I could put her back in it while I washed off her changing pad.

Once everything was clean enough, I took her back to her daddy and got the keys to take the dirty clothes to the car.

The waitress gave exclaimed, "You survived!" and threw her arms around me. I guess My Husband told her what happened.

The waitress boxed up our food and even got us our 'endless pasta' refills to take home. Amazing! I couldn't believe that she was going to do that. We gave her a really good tip. Alyssa was asleep before we even got to the car.

My Husband and I chatted a little bit on the way back, but mostly we were talking ourselves through the gameplan for once we got home. I dismantled the car seat and threw everything that would detach into the washing machine. Then I dumped the paper bag in. There was no time to scrub everything beforehand... my stomach was already a little weak. We got Allie out of her backup outfit and threw that in too, then we put her in the sink for a bath. She wasn't real happy since we had woken her up, but she did pretty well.

I can now officially say that I cannot wait to go back to work.

I love my daughter. More than I've ever loved anything in my life. I want to make sure she has the means to have nice clothing, a great education, and everything she needs to grow and develop her own personality. To do that, I know that I need to work... at least for a little while.

If we get enough saved up, I won't have to work when we have our next child so I am willing to do whatever it takes now. On nights when O is going to keep her overnight, I'm going to put in some extra hours that way we can pad our savings account with all of the extra income. That will also help keep my mind busy so I'm not so sad. It's a necessary evil but knowing that O will have her for a few days in a row just breaks my heart. It's really the only option but I feel guilty for letting her keep Alyssa so much... like I'm missing out on an important part of being a new mom.

I already have a 2 hour commute and if I had to drop her off and pick her up everyday, that would quickly turn into 3 and a half or 4 hours.

I hope my little Allie Cat understands that I'm not abandoning her... Once she's a teenager screaming about how I never loved her, I'll have her look at this blog and show her that no one could ever love her more. Afterall, I let her wipe poop on me in a restaurant bathroom.

Kickin ass? Check... On to taking names.

Due to a small oversight, I won't be going back to work until Thursday. In the mean time I've been trying to get our apartment back in shape now that Allie will amuse her self in short bursts.

Today, for the first time, I was able to get a shower and brush my teeth in the same hour.

I've been able to do a little decorating, get some things organized and yet, somehow, it doesn't look like I've gotten anything accomplished.

My biggest accomplishment this week was hooking up our new PS3. My Husband openly , admits that I'm better at hooking up electrical equipment than he is, so it's always my job. Well, I was frustrated and grumpy when I hooked it up so of course it didn't work right the first time around. The PS3 worked just fine, but we could no longer watch cable tv. This was fine for a while since we have streaming netflix through the XBOX 360, but it's Monday and I wanted to watch the new episode of True Blood.

With about 10 minutes of magic time I managed to get the cable box, PS3, XBOX 360, and Wii hooked up to the same tv and they are all fully functional. I felt like a freaking genius.

I celebrated by putting Allie on my shoulders and bouncing her around. Pretty soon that turned in to "Mommy is my new pony" and she used my hair as reigns. She was holding on enough to sit up unsupported and we tried to get a picture. I had my hand up just in case, and then she leaned (not fell) back as hard as she could, giggling.














Mommy was not giggling.

Oh yeah

By the way, my daughter is the cutest thing ever.



I'm glad you agree.

Mother of the Year...

If you have ever had the pleasure of letting me ride shotgun in your car, you've probably seen me freak out by something I deem as an immediate threat. Be it an SUV on a rampage, a bunny hopping across the road, or a shirtless old man jogging down the sidewalk, wrinkly man-boobs flapping in the breeze.

The less threatening the object is, the more I'm able to come up with with an actual word rather than pointing and yelling "BEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Which is the sound of an SUV about to smash into our car. Yes, I actually yelled "BEEEEEEE!!!!" and we narrowly missed an accident because I couldn't say "Hey, watch out for that SUV. He's running that stop sign."

Well, after a rather frustrating night of babysitting and a rather long ride home, I totally lost my mind. There was a lane closure at the next intersection and you had to kind of weave through construction barrels to get into the left turn lane. Well, someone did a really bad job and knocked one of the barrels over. It was laying in the lane, totally blocking the road.

For the first time, there was actually something hazardous and I was able to form an actual word. It totally did not pertain to the situation, but it's something you might overhear in a conversation.

I pointed at the overturned barrel and yelled "DOUCHE BAG!"

With my infant in the car.

I am soooo glad she can't talk yet.

Hold on a minute...

Due to the response of my last blog post, I'd just like to make a few things clear. Please do not take any of this personally, I love you all, I just want you to understand the factors.

1. We do not live on base nor can we afford to break our lease and move on base. Robin could move into the dorms to live for free if we got divorced, but he would lose about a thousand dollars a month in pay. Yeah, I could come home to stay with my parents for a while but then we would have to pay 5k to break our lease, I would have to divorce my husband, and we would still be losing money.

This is going to sound really bitchy and I'm sorry, but I just have to say it. People on and off the blog have suggested that I move in with my parents for a while to save money. We would still have to pay rent on our apartment and our family would still be in separate states and I still wouldn't have an income. How can we keep from breaking up our family by breaking up our family?

2. Her sitter is going to cost me $100 a week. I make $15 an hour, so this really isn't eating into our money. We will be fine, financially, with me going back to work. Even after child care costs.

3. I would be sending money to my parents to take care of Alyssa. She would not be in daycare since they would be watching her. If they needed someone to give them a break, there are 10 people on standby and I would only need to pay them a little bit for their time.

4. Student loan companies will only offer deferments if you haven't had your loans deferred repeatedly. They also don't like to work with you when you have defaulted on them repeatedly in the past. Yeah, I was young, dumb, and financially irresponsible. It has bitten me in the ass more than once.

5.This is something we are considering as an option ONLY if we find that we cannot take care of her while My Husband is working overnight. This is for her well being as well as ours. If we feel that we can't care for her at that time, my parents are willing to step in and help. Since we are states away, we would have to leave her with them until we could go get her. We are under no circumstances abandoning our child, considering giving her up for adoption, or trying to get rid of her.

6. I like pie.

7. After December I will not be working because that awesome bonus would be more than enough to pay off the loan and make sure that we can make the car payment for a while. These are things that my job pays for. My Husband's income covers absolutely everything else. Rent, utilities, groceries, gas, insurance... everything. I technically may not HAVE to go to work, but then we wouldn't have to worry about where the money for the car payment was going to come from. If we get behind on any of our payments, My Husband can lose his job. That's not really something you have to worry about in the civilian sector, but if he gets a dishonorable discharge for failure to meet his financial obligations he will be completely unemployable.

These are the things that we're taking into consideration and we are not going to take this lightly. We are weighing the pros and cons and your input has really helped us try and come up with other solutions.

Change of plans...

For the last 6 months, we have known that we will be moving to New Mexico in October. Everything was going to work out perfectly since I would get to stay home with the baby and pack, then we would move and we would be able to afford for me to be a full time mom without having to worry that we wouldn't be able to pay our bills.

I worked really hard to pay off our credit cards and pay down our car as much as possible to make things even easier. Currently, I have one student loan to pay off and then we just have our car payment left.

Well, the day My Husband was supposed to get his orders making our move official, the day I was going to officially quit my job, we found out that "Guess what?! Your squadron did something awesome so the President (PotUS) wants to give you guys more work immediately!"

Yes, Obama fucked my plans.

This means that we will not be moving, I have to go back to work, and Alyssa is going to miss her momma for 11 or so hours a day.

Since she doesn't sleep through the night yet, things are going to get really stressful and I just hope that I can make it to December without getting my ass canned. Why December? While I was on maternity leave, our company made a deal with the devil. The new company offered a buttload of cash for employee bonuses. My company decided that the bonuses would be 40% of your pay from July 2008 to July 2009 and will be paid in two installments. The first installment will be paid around Christmas 2009 but you must be an employee in good standing as of December 1st. The second will be paid around Christmas of 2010 but you have to be an employee in good standing as of December 1st 2010.

There's probably no way I'll be getting the second installment, but I sure could use the first one. It would be roughly $7,000.

Well, one of our friends is going to watch Alyssa during the day for about $100 a week. This is all fine and dandy while My Husband has a daytime or afternoon schedule. When he's on overnights? We're fucked.

Insert plan A: Starting October, My Husband will be on overnights. The possible plan A includes taking Alyssa home to stay with Gigi and Grumpy and either her Mimi and Pops can bring her back for Thanksgiving or Gigi and Grumpy will bring her back in December.

This would mean two months away from my precious baby, but also two months of sleep. Worry free.

Plan B: Suffer through it, go batshit crazy and possibly lose my job. I CAN NOT LOSE MY JOB. Everything banks on getting that bonus and I do NOT want to put that in jeopardy. Even if it means my baby gets some extra time with her grandparents.

Now, of course, I would not let my daughter suffer so that I can make some extra cash. That would be insane so please keep your hate comments to a minimum. Her grandparents are totally capable of taking care of her and have support handy if they need a break. My entire family has offered their time and energy, all I have to do is ask and provide some financial compensation (diapers are expensive)

Also, in September I have to have a colposcopy (Copo) to check for cervical cancer since my recent pap came back HPV positive with mild dysplasia to high risk dysplasia. Fabulous.

We have some hard decisions to make and I get the feeling that the next few months are going to be rather exciting indeed.

I should have stayed longer...

On the 3rd, I took Alyssa home to meet her great mammaw and her grandmother's on My Husband's side. Mostly it was a trip to meet her Mammaw since she is very ill and probably won't be with us much longer. Fortunately, we got to celebrate her 92nd birthday in person and she got to hold her great granddaughter, and kiss her, and tell her how amazing she is.

I spent two weeks back home and, somehow, it wasn't nearly long enough. It was nice to see as many people as I could, but I didn't get to see or do half of the things on my list. I wanted to hang out with all of my friends but I am really glad that I got to see as many of them as I could.

My dad also had to have back surgery while I was there, so that caused me to throw a lot of my plans out the window.

There will be pictures soon but for now I am adjusting to taking care of the baby on my own again. It was really, really nice to be able to hand her off to someone else so I could get a few hours of peace and I honesty don't think my family minded one bit. She has everyone wrapped so tightly around her tiny fingers that I'm amazed we got on the plane with all limbs intact.

Now that I'm back, I hope to update with more frequency-- it was really hard to try and cram in a blog update between napping, spending time with family and hanging out with a few of my friends...

Anyway, look for more awesomeness soon!

So this is what they're talking about...

When parents are around their friends without children, they tend to romanticize what family life is really like. I guess this is nature's way of making sure that we continue the species.

When parents are around new parents, they tell you all of the horrible things you never wanted to know about raising children.


Well screw that, I'm not going to candy coat this for anyone. You need to know what you're up against.

For the last few days, Alyssa has had a sour stomach and there isn't a whole lot that we can do about it. We've tried Karo syrup, rice water, and now we're going to get some "Gripe Water" from the pharmacy to see if that helps. In the meantime, I've been trying to relieve as much of the pain as possible through massage and the use of teething tablets. For those of you that don't know, teething tablets are meant to dissolve under your tongue or in water and are made from chamomile and belladonna. They help the baby relax so that they are not in so much pain and can sleep. I have started taking these myself and I must say, they are fabulous.

Last night I got to see two of my best friends for a little bit and shortly after they left I had my most horrific moment as a new mom. Worse than when she rolled off the couch. Worse than when she almost choked on her bottle during the airplane ride (Oh, I'm back home with my parents, I'll explain that later) and much worse than when I dropped Cool Whip in her mouth.

With her tummy troubles, Alyssa hasn't been able to poop normally for about a week. She was doing okay until a few days ago when she went from 3 messy diapers a day down to one or less. She still has lots of wet diapers so she isn't getting dehydrated, but her bowels aren't moving as well as they should. The doc said not to worry until it's been 5 days with no movement. Kay.

Last night after my friends left, she finally pooped for the first time that day. I was so proud of her and I was excited to change her diaper and go to bed. (Yeah, you can tell I'm a mom. 'Yay, you went poopie!!!') I laid her down on a changing pad on my air mattress, then took her diaper off. Wow, that was a lot of poop. I wiped her down and reached over to get the new diaper. She started to go again. Quickly, I covered her up with the old diaper so she could finish up. When she was done, I unhooked the diaper and started wiping her up again. Just before Before I was able to get the new diaper in place she started going again.

I wasn't able to cover her up as quickly as before.

My stomach hasn't been that awesome lately either, and I almost threw up on my baby.

I raced to get her cleaned up and get a new diaper on so that I could clean everything up. I moved her to another changing pad right next to me so that I could keep poop from getting all over the comforter since it was already on me and her clothes. Then she started crying. A lot. I made sure that she was completely clean, got her in a new outfit and tried to put her in the swing while I cleaned up the mess. I ended up using 2 diapers and 3 changing pads and one extra outfit. She wouldn't stop crying and I was afraid that she was going to wake my mom up (she had to go to work in the morning afterall) and I started crying myself. Apparently, I was calling out "I need help" while in tears and trying to calm Alyssa.

Mom came to the rescue.

I threw away all the diapers and changing pads, then went to the bathroom to scrub her clothes. Once I was confident that nothing would stain, I threw the clothes in the washing machine and had a cigarette while mom calmed Alyssa down.

After I was positive that all of the poop had been cleaned up, I sat down and talked to mom for a little bit. Once Alyssa was asleep, I laid down with her so that we could go to bed. That's when she got really mad. I could hear her stomach bubbling and I would have given anything to be able to make it stop, but I don't have magic powers so I just had to let her cry. I held her and rocked her and tried every "get rid of gas" treatment that I know. After a while, the bubbling stopped and the massage put her to sleep. That was at 3 am. Mom went to bed and I crashed.

Something we tried must have worked because she slept until 7 or so this morning and only woke up because she wanted to nurse. I latched her on and went back to sleep. When she was done I woke up, burped her, and laid her back down. Since then she has slept for most of the day.

Sadly, now I can't sleep.

Too much free time

Lately, I've found that I have lots of time to do unproductive things like read magazines, watch tv, and be online. See, these are things that I can do on the couch while the baby is sleeping. I have tried cleaning while she is asleep but, for some reason, the thought of me accomplishing something around the house is very offensive to my 4 week old and she starts crying uncontrollably whenever I try.

Since I enjoy my hearing, I have given up.

In the meantime, I have learned a lot about stocks, bonds, mutual funds, savings accounts, weird headlines around the world, how to get the most for your money when doing remodeling, how to open a door with a credit card, where you can find the best coupons, services that offer a week's worth of food to families for insanely low prices (I plan on using some of these. Their motto, "if you eat, you qualify" well, we eat and we are on a tight budget) and what it takes to get on to The Price is Right.

When I'm not able to learn things online, I watch tv. Or movies. Lately, movies. Redbox is my friend. Usually, I'll stop by Redbox while on one of our "please stop crying and go to sleep" drives at 3am.

Here's a short list of movies I think you should watch:

1. Inkheart. It's pretty good and there's a scene that includes a shirtless male twirling fire.

2. Confessions of a Shopaholic. I might have a little bit of a shopping addiction and I really, really liked seeing someone that was waaaay worse than me. I don't buy designer clothes or anything, I just buy things that are a little less than useful (i.e.: book binding machine/laminator. Great in theory, only works with a specific type of book. I have not tested the laminator. )

3. Gran Turino. LOVE. Seriously... watch this movie. repeatedly. and cry.

4. Yes, Man. It really makes me want to try it.

5. Seasons 2, 3, and 4 of How I Met Your Mother. Okay, it isn't a movie but you should still watch it.

6. Martian Child. I love this movie so much but maybe that's because I was the weird kid.

And here's a list of movies I think you should skip... also titled "Give me my 2 hours back":

1. Medea Goes to Jail. The play is awesome, the movie is boring.

2. He's Just Not That Into You. Boring and slow and not pretty.

3. Bedtime Stories. It was alright but I wouldn't recommend it.

4. Into the Wild. Slow and sad.

5. Mamma Mia. I want my time, energy, and happiness back.

I am taking care of my child, I just have a lot of hours to fill while she is sleeping. I wish I could sleep myself, but it usually doesn't happen that way. So... if you have any good movie recommendations I'll be happy to give them a spin!

be thankful...

There are a lot of perks to being a military wife. Seriously. I know it may sound like a joke, but i'm not kidding!

• Free Health Care: Yes, that's right, 100% totally free. I'm sick, I go to the doctor, I show my id, get seen and walk out. No paperwork. No bills. Giving birth did not cost me a dime. Not even for my meals. With all of the complications, my baby could have been hundreds of thousands of dollars.
  
• Getting to Visit New Places: We probably never would have come to Las Vegas if My Husband hadn't gotten stationed here and I know for a fact that we would not have gone to San Angelo, Tx, if we hadn't been forced to.
• Lots of Friends: We meet a lot of people and have friends all over the world. We haven't gone all over the world yet, but our friends have been scattered.
  
• Learning Fun Acronyms and Abbreviations: The Air Force loooves their acronyms like POTUS, TDY, PCS, GCS, DITY, BX, AFFES, WTS... plus, when talking about My Husbands boss, we have to call him/her "The Shirt"

• Military Weddings: We have to renew our vows because, at a military wedding, you leave the chapel through an arch of sabres (also spelled saber) Seriously. An arch of swords, people in uniforms, how hot is that?

Even with all of the perks, there are a lot of downsides as well.

For example, my husband is in charge of a very expensive plane. He is required to have X amount of hours sleep before he is allowed to fly said UNMANNED plane. This means that I get baby duty while he is sleeping. Tonight, he went to work at 10pm. I've been on baby duty since noon yesterday. He called me this morning to say that he will not be leaving until at least 9 am. That means he will be home around 10 at the earliest.

That means that when he gets home, even if I go straight to bed, I'll get 3 hours of sleep, max. Why don't I sleep while the baby sleeps? I'm glad you asked! It's impossible. Just about the time I get to sleep, she wakes up and needs something. I fix whatever is wrong and lay back down. By the time I get to sleep, she's awake and crying. Rinse and repeat.

Most nights I can at least get a nap but tonight I got to experience my first infant fever. I thought about taking her to the hospital but realized that 99.5 isn't high enough to worry about and, besides, I can't drive anyway.

The after-hours nurse told me to have my husband bring her in if her fever got above 100. Fortunately, it did not.

Now I'm sitting on the couch, with my fussy little baby, waiting for My Husband to walk through the door. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been this excited about him coming home when nothing special is happening. Well, maybe a few times, but still... it's going to rock.

Virtual Shower, Actual Awesomeness

On Sunday, Hey You from TheHuckablog hosted a super awesome virtual baby shower for us and Alyssa. She sent us boxes of presents and a box full of decorations to match what she had her house decorated with, then we busted out the webcams and Skyped the whole thing. It was so awesome and I really wish I could have been there in person. When we were planning the shower, there was no way that I could have made it. Now, apparently, I'm going to be going 'home' in a few weeks. I totally could have been there!

The trip wasn't finalized until after he shower so I didn't know when or if I would actually be there. My Mammaw is very, very sick and she's going to be celebrating her 92nd birthday. We all really want her to meet her granddaughter, so we decided that we should make a trip. Unfortunately, My Husband wasn't able to get any leave approved so it will just be a trip for the two of us. Her first vacation!

Anyway, back to the shower.

It was so awesome! The decorations were amazing- I couldn't believe they worked so hard on them! The gifts were so thoughtful and very much appreciated and it was super exciting to get to see my friends together even if I couldn't be there. My Husband's favorite part was one of the shower games. Hey You wrote down what we first said when we opened each gift. From our responses, she made a list of things that were probably said on the night of conception. It was hilarious.

Somehow, I managed to not charge the camera battery before the shower, so I only have a few pictures. However, I will make up for it by displaying other pictures! YAY!!!!



My Husband's squadron sent us this awesome diaper cake! Their mascot is a bull and the wives club is named the Lady Bulls (because we didn't want to be The Cows...) so they even included a cute little beanie bull!


the pile of presents!



Now we move into non-shower pictures. This is Alyssa in the waiting room for her 2 week checkup.



My Brother holding Alyssa! We were still the same age at the time but we celebrated his birthday while he was here.


After delivery, work sent me a box full of logo baby stuff! (wow, I'm really starting to let go of that anonymity thing...)


My Mom (Gigi, Granmomma... we're still working on it) holding Alyssa in the hospital. Yes, Alyssa is holding her own head up. She's been doing that since day 1.


The end!

Chapter 1: Starting Over

During their lives, most people wish that they could hit the reset button and try again. In golf, it's called a mulligan, on the playground it's a do-over and with pinball, well, it's a power outage.

Right now I have a core group of friends that has been with me for years. Some are newer than others but they are all equally important and loved. These people are my friends even though they have seen my worst moments and know my worst secrets.

I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I count my mom as one of my best friends. We weren't always very close and we still have our moments where we aren't very nice, but I wouldn't trade our relationship for any thing. Seriously. Not even money. That's love right there.
I want to have that kind of relationship with my daughter. I know that she needs a parent more than a friend, but I hope that we can be best friends even though I'll have to ground her and keep her from walking out the door dressed like that.

This little girl is the most important thing in my life right now and I feel like I've been given the opportunity to hit my reset button. I can start over and be the best person, parent, teacher, friend that I know how to be.

This time I'm going to do things the right way. I'll eat my vegetables, do my homework, and always say I love you before I leave. I'm going to make mistakes and I hope that she will forgive me. I hope that I will forgive myself. It isn't going to be perfect but maybe it will be close enough.

Holy crap, what did you eat?!

There are a lot of things that people don't tell you about the first weeks of motherhood-- for instance, that you will probably injure your baby. There are also a lot of lies that get spread: "If you breastfeed, their diapers won't stink as bad!" Riiiiiight. 'Kay. So, if you use formula, your child will be able to gag the neighbors? Sometimes it nearly knocks me over and I'm used to 'manly men' and their lax rules about public flatulence (one of the many perks of having a military husband)

It feels good to know that, at one point in my life, I was content to suck on a boob, throw up, crap my pants and pass out. Then again, that sounds like a lot of my old friends' daily routines.

Taking on the responsibility of a child may sound like a good idea, hell, it may feel like a good idea, but make sure you think it through. Here is a list of 10 reasons to reconsider that condom:

1. You will have to change their diaper. A lot. When you're half asleep and your motor functions aren't quite up to par. If you are not okay with being covered in poo, you really, really need to think about this.

2. They eat every 2 hours. This may seem like a long time but 30 minutes of that 2 hours is spent feeding them, so really, they eat every hour and a half. Think about the time it takes you to fall back asleep once you've been rudely woken up in the middle of the night. Now think about how many hours of sleep you need so that you can go to work in the morning. Realize that you will not sleep. Ever.

3. They're cute as hell and everyone is going to tell you how awesome they are. This may seem like a perk until it's 4:30 am, you haven't showered in a week, there is spit-up in your hair and all down your back and your little darling just won't stop crying. They aren't so cute then.

4. There is nothing good on t.v. This may not seem relevant until you've been awake for 54 hours watching MASH reruns. It is a lot easier to stay awake if you have something to distract you. Even if you have HBO, half of the movies are crap.

5. You will start to worry when they stop crying. Seriously. If the kid hasn't cried in 4 hours, you will begin to panic. Your partner will not appreciate you waking them up to ask if you should take the baby to the doctor. I believe this could be one of the top 5 reasons that spouses are murdered.

6. You are going to feel like you are doing everything wrong. This can be very challenging those that aren't used to being wrong. In fact, you may just feel like the universe has exploded and is focusing all of it's destructive energy on your life. This could be very damaging if you are that sort of person. Yep.

7. People give you the dumbest advice and you have to seem happy about it. Well, you should seem happy about it because it gets them to stop talking. "Don't forget to rub vinegar in their hair. It'll prevent cradle cap!" Riiight.... because science works that way. The truth is, NO IT DOESN'T, SHUT YOUR HOLE.

8. Strangers think it's alright to make jokes about your kid. "She's a feisty one, isn't she?!" Yeah. She's wiggly. She's trying to crawl to your throat and strangle you. You want to talk about a kid being fussy, have one of your own. There is not enough sleep in the world to make a parent think your jackassery is funny.

9. Even though they can't even crawl yet, you will start to worry about their future. Not like "Oh, she'll be one in a few months" no, much worse "Oh my god, she's going to start dating any day now. What the hell am I going to do?" Your mother was right, you will get paid back for your raising.

10. Aside from all of the physical, mental, and emotional changes you realize that this is a huge, life altering event. You will never again be able to go to the bathroom in peace.

This list may make it seem like no one on earth should ever have a child, and I'm not saying that. In fact, I love being a new mom. It's awesome. I created a human and now I get to watch them grow and discover everything for the first time. I'll get to help shape their personality and hopefully teach them to make good decisions. I'll be there to hold her and cry with her when she makes bad decisions. We are going to become this awesome family and there is no better feeling in the world than comforting your new child when no one else can. Seriously. It makes me feel like I'm this crazy powerful being with magical powers (boobs)

If you are currently thinking about starting a family, block out all of the fuzzy happy thoughts and really focus on the downside. If you're still excited, then go for it. It's the best thing you'll ever do.

What is this thing and why is it crying?

It's been a little over a week since my amazingly adorable bundle of human came out. My Parents have left, the party is over, and I'm freaking exhausted. A few days ago I started having a horrible reaction to the Percocet I was on... my legs swelled up really huge and I got this horrible itchy rash all over my body. "Oh, Percocet does that to some people. Sorry!"

There was also a horrifying 'almost 911 call' because I was breathing but completely unresponsive. I blamed the Percocet, so I stopped taking it. Let's talk about pain for a moment, shall we? Between incision pain, contractions, labor, random horrible aches that will 'go away in time', and headaches from all the drugs I've been in a whole lot of pain since the 22nd.

Did I mention I was in labor for something like 30 hours before the c-section?

Shortly after I stopped taking my pain medication, I realized that half the reason I'm doing so much better than everyone expected is because I was stoned out of my mind on Percocet. What else can I take? Nothing! ... Lovely.

Back to the point

So, pain plus lack of sleep plus cranky equals a very bad time for depression. But sure as shit, the 'baby blues' come stompin' down my street lookin' for a place to crash. I have cried and gotten angry and, as much as I hate to admit it, thought about just giving her to my parents and having a new sister rather than a daughter.

My Husband has tried to be helpful but he's tired too and has been a little too eager to focus on all of the things that I'm screwing up. I forgot to pay our cable bill, put something in the wrong place, growled at him in my sleep, forgot I was holding a baby and nearly dropped her, knocked a bunch of stuff over and started crying because I couldn't pick it up, oh, and let the baby roll off the couch. That's right, I've had her less than a month and she's already hit her head. She was on the couch with me, I got up to take something to the kitchen, she rolled over and wiggled her way right onto the floor, smacking her head in the process.

I freaked the fuck out.

I threw everything I was holding into a chair and grabbed her out of My Husband's arms. For the next 10 minutes or so I clung to her like my life depended on it, rocking back and forth, crying. I kept telling her how sorry I was while My Husband yelled at me for being so careless.

That's a great feeling, let me tell you.

I called my mom. Mom used to own a daycare and my dad was an EMT, so I really trust their judgment on how to handle things like this. They said that she was probably fine and that we should keep her up for at least an hour to make sure that she didn't have a concussion. There isn't even a bruise on her head, so I don't think she hurt herself, it was just horrifying.

There are some moments where I feel worthless... like I'm a complete failure and I think about how unlucky she is to have me as a parent because I'm not very good at it. During those times I try to reassure myself that it's mostly the depression that's causing this feeling and that it will get easier and I will get more confident.

Then a little voice in the back of my head chimes in: "What if..."

Right now my relationship with My Husband is strained, I feel disconnected from my baby, and I have yet to receive any payment from my short term disability claim (maternity leave). I know things will get better, I just hope it happens soon.

P.S.

Hey You was closest on the baby poll... She was 6lbs 13oz, 19 inches long and born on June 23rd at 7:42 pm PST

All aboard the choo choo PAIN

I am officially a new mommy. On Monday, June 22nd I went in to meet with the anesthesiologist because I discovered that I might be denied pain medication since we hadn't had a formal "sit down and sign these forms" meeting. My doctor got me the first available appointment and we went over all of the risks and benefits of various sorts of pregnancy medication techniques. Going into it, I knew that I wanted to try and have as natural of a birth as possible.

HAH!

So, I signed the forms and took my chart back over to Labor and Delivery since I was scheduled for induction later that day. Rather than going in a few hours later, they were like "Oh, we've got your bed ready so hop on in. Let's get this party started!"

Wha?

We came home long enough for me to grab my bag and get eat lunch (like, as fast as I've ever eaten in my life... they warned me that I wouldn't be able to eat for a very long time) and then we rushed back over to the hospital. The plan was to start off with cervidil to soften and stretch my cervix, add a balloon to get me to 5cm, then 12 hours later we would start the pitocin drip and, hopefully, we would have a baby within the following 24 hours.

Well, it turns out I'd been having regular contractions and just couldn't feel them. I was already dilated to 2cm and the cervidil wouldn't have done anything at that point. They inserted a balloon to stretch my cervix to 5cm so that we could start the whole labor thing.

Wow, talk about some pain. I discovered that when I'm faced with horrible debilitating pain, I start laughing. A lot. It freaked the doctor out.

So, they got the balloon in and started the pitocin so that I could fully stretch and prepare for birth. A few hours later my contractions were so bad that I was laughing through tears without any stop. I asked for IV drugs.

They gave me some awesome stuff I spent the next several hours flopping between feeling great and 'omg this is the worst pain ever kill me now'. I also slipped in and out of consciousness. I was in a drug coma, so I wasn't even really getting any rest and I was so very tired. Tension was high since everyone was really stressed out. The people that love me the most had to watch me go through horrible pain and try to pretend that everything was alright. Some of us cope with things differently than others and feelings got hurt, people got mad, and I finally asked for an epidural.

In the event that we have another child, I'm getting that thing upon admission.

I requested more IV drugs so that I wouldn't jump around when they inserted the epidural catheter and they gave me some of the best stuff I've ever had in my life. My mom was next to me, stroking my hair, talking about being on the beach and listening to the waves... physically, I was in the hospital. Mentally, I was in Tahiti. At some point, I came to realize that my brain world wasn't showing an accurate picture of what was going on and started to freak out. 'Where's my fruity drink? Get Pablo back in here, I need a massage! That's not a volcano, that's a needle!'

Fortunately, I was able to keep my surprise to myself an d I don't think anyone really noticed. Except the nurse. She could see the disappointment in my face.

I sat up and arched my back as best I could, then I leaned into My Husband for support. To try and keep myself calm and still, I made up a little song to sing and it was quite hilarious. My Husband, the nurse and the anesthesiologist were all laughing. Yeah, great idea, make the lady with the needle laugh. What could go wrong?

It was actually really great. I don't know why I was so worried about it.

At that point, I got a catheter since I wasn't going to be walking for quite some time. As much as I hate to admit it, that was pretty awesome too. I didn't have to get up to pee. I was, officially, the laziest person on earth. Then I remembered that I was having a baby and without that awesome medication, I would be in excruciating pain. Oh yeah, that's why I'm in the hospital, right?

Well, from there, things just kept getting weirder and weirder, so I ended up on oxygen. This is what My Husband and My Parents got to look at for a very long time.


Even though they hated seeing me hooked up to all of these machines, I'm sure it was much easier than watching me cry my eyes out with every contraction.

I even got my bunny to squeeze.

During one of my moments of 'not quite there' I decided that I was having my baby at 7:42pm and that it would rock since 7 is a lucky number and 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Yeah, I'm a dork.

Oddly enough, things took a turn for the worst and they had to get the baby out very quickly. It wasn't an emergency c-section, it was just done very quickly.

On my list of the 10 most terrifying moments in my life, it's definitely in my top 2.

I had one doctor sitting on my chest trying to push my baby out, one doc on my side trying to make room and several other people in various places doing stuff. My Husband was trying to keep me focused on him so that I wouldn't think about what was going on. I didn't really care because I was in an awkward position and my back was killing me. I was bawling tears from my back pain and drug lady gave me some more medication. It kind of helped. Once my baby was out, I was still in a crazy amount of pain but I knew that I couldn't even try to move. They helped as much as they could, but it still was not pleasant.

I only kind of got to see my baby because I was shaking so bad that they were afraid I was going to reach out for her. Fortunately, My Husband got to see her and cut the cord and take pictures so that I could look at them while they were cleaning her off.

There was a miscommunication and my parents were told that they were not allowed to see her.

Holy crap the world exploded.

Rather than "you can't see her", they should have said "We're going to do her assessment and vaccination now so that you can all see her at the same time."

I got to my recovery room and wanted my baby. My Husband went to go get something from My Parents and came back freaking out. "Call your parents right now because they are leaving. Like, going home, leaving..."

I lost my shit.

I went into hysterics and tried calling them repeatedly. I left messages and demanded that they call as soon as they could. The nurses told me that if I didn't calm down I was going to rip out my stitches, have a stroke, and possibly bleed to death. Did I care? No. My mommy was leaving me and I couldn't figure out what I had done.

The nurses were even like "What the heck, what happened? They seemed fine."

The anesthesiologist came in, tried to calm me down, and gave me a big hug. My parents came back and we got everything straightened out. Turns out there was just a miscommunication.

My Husband asked if they could give me a sedative so that I wouldn't hurt myself.

We got everything straightened out. At this point, the nurses were really protective and my parents were really pissed off at the nurses. I had to explain what happened and everyone calmed down.

They finally brought the baby in and we all completely fell in love with her.




Can you blame us? A few hours old and she's already a ham.





















From there, I had to stay in the hospital for several days and receive care of varying levels, ranging from '100% totally awesome' to 'why the hell am I even in the hospital? Let me die on the street'

Finally, they discharged me on Friday (after I yelled at them) and I've been doing really, really well ever since. Being at home has helped so much ( I don't have to wait 4 hours for some bitchy nurse to bring me my Percoset... I just reach over and grab it!)

There will be so many pictures to come, but for now, it's time to take a nap.