Survey says...

The results are in. What results? The cancer results.

So, as the doctor explained to me, the cervix is round like a clock. They took tissue samples from the cell clusters at 1 oclock and 9 oclock. The tissue from 1 oclock is perfect and normal and everything is happy. The tissue from 9 oclock... well... we just don't know. I have to go back in 6 months for another colposcopy. So the threat of cancer is still looming, but at least we know that part of me is alright.

In other news, we are bringing Alyssa to Arkansas on the 7th of October. She will be staying with a combination of all of her grand and great-grand parents, plus my aunt and possibly some family friends. The village is raising my child.

When will we get her back? That's really up in the air right now. It's possible that she will be back at the end of November, or the beginning of December, or Christmas Eve.

This means that I will miss my baby's first Halloween, her first Thanksgiving, and possibly her first Christmas Eve.

I am beyond sad.

I just keep telling myself that this is a choice and we made the best choice for our family. She is going to be with people that love her and she is going to be well cared for so I don't have to worry about someone flaking out and leaving her with people I don't know.

Her diaper will also be changed.

Today, a friend of mine is going to the courthouse with me to try and get this whole traffic violation thing taken care of. The automated system made it sound like I won't be responsible for paying anything as long as I go down there and prove that I have insurance.

I'm not sure how that works since the ticket is mainly for speeding, but let's hope that it's correct.

I have to get this taken care of today or at least sometime in the next few days, since we will be in Arkansas on my court date. Let's hope this goes smoothly.

What have we learned?

So, I found this auction site called pennypurses.net where they auction designer bags. The catch is, you have to pay for your bids, then the price of the bag if you win. So basically you're paying for the opportunity to purchase a designer bag. Not only do you have to pay for your bids, but every time a person submits a bid, it adds 10 seconds to the auction clock.

Great business plan. Sucks for the bidders.

Last night, there was a coach bag that I desperately wanted. I've seen this bag before and I decided that I was going to bid on it.

So I bought some bids. Then ended up in a 3 hour bidding war, spent $140 and didn't get the damn bag.

my husband was mad.

not near as mad as I was. Not that I didn't win the bag, whatever, but that I spent so much money trying to win the bag.

This brought up a very sensitive topic, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone. My husband turned to me and screamed "Why are you such a fucking jew? Just buy the damn bag already and get on with your life."

Little does he realize that we wouldn't be able to afford a lot of the things that we have if I weren't so frugal. How do I have Gucci glasses and several pairs of Uggs? I'm thrifty.

And before you jump on the "oh my god, Uggs are hideous" bandwagon, they aren't the classic style and they are damn comfy.

I clip coupns and shop sales... I stockpile groceries and cut expenses where I can. By shopping in a better way, we've had enough money to pay off all of our credit cards and still have some money left for the things we want. Since giving birth, I've been going through a lot of emotional stuff and I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. This time, unfortunately, I've been using major retail therapy to fill the gaps in my life.

I have spent more money of frivolous things in the past few months than I think I spent on the same sorts of things last year. Why? Hecka sales on children's clothes, bakeware, electronics and home goods.

Why? Because the economy is in the crapper.

Why? Because people spent more than they could afford.

Why? To fill the gaps in our lives and to stay happy.

Case in point, I am not happy. See previous posts for details.

Now, before you start throwing stones and telling me that I could stay home if I weren't buying plush hamburger shaped CD cases, let me just be honest. I couldn't. This is using excess money from my job. Yes, I get paid pretty well.

If I can make it through December and get that bonus, I will be able to stay home with my daughter, be a lot happier, and hopefully cut back on the excess shopping.

In the mean time, I made a fatal miscalculation in our budget and my husband and I spent a crazy amount of money at Best Buy yesterday... long before the stupid auction. I checked our bank account only to realize that our car payment has not gone through yet. Whoopsie daisy...

Now I'm pulling money out of savings to make sure that nothing happens before my paycheck goes in. After I get paid, I can probably transfer all of the money back to our savings account-- after I pay our sitter.

I don't want to pay our sitter. I think she's doing a terrible job and she isn't living up to our agreement. But I have to. She is watching our daughter while I'm at work so that I can get a paycheck which is worth the pay.... I guess.

So I guess I'd better get back to clipping coupons before I kill our budget 2 months in a row. Buying things is fun. I wish I didn't think it was, but I do. Now I just have to learn to live with it. Hmm... maybe there's a sale I need to know about...

Revelations

Lately, it seems like I'm stuck at the mouth of a cornucopia, getting smashed in the face by whatever hellish fiend flies out next.

I really don't want to whine, but it seems like a year's (or three...) worth of excitement has bounded ever so happily into our quiet little home. It started with the baby. Well, the pregnancy, actually. I discovered I was pregnant, went insane, lost our roommate, had 2 root canals, discovered I might have cancer, got gestational diabetes, hypertension, and pre-e... then had an emergency c-section where we both almost died.

Following that, I had the fastest c-section recovery the hospital had ever seen.

Then I discovered I was allergic to Percoset, stopped breathing, discovered that I had to care for this little lovey without much assistance, and tried to balance our budget for me to stay home.

Then my company was acquired by a rival. Part of the deal is that the rival has to buy the employees too. That means that we all get bonuses.... on the condition that you are an employee in good standing come December. At that point, you get half of 40% of your earnings from July 2008-July 2009. The second half will be delivered December of 2010.

This was all fine and dandy because my husband was supposed to be getting transferred in October so it didn't really apply to me.

Then our plans got canceled... the day I was going to resign.

Back to work I go.

Oh, no! Childcare!

"I'll watch her! I'll do it cheap! I don't have a job so anything you pay me will be fine."

"Oh, sorry, I don't want to watch your daughter anymore because you aren't paying me enough and here's a list of dates that I'm unavailable. I know there are days every week but I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to sleep and let my abusive husband watch your daughter all by himself. Now I'm sick. You still haven't paid me. By the way, I'm not available Halloween. I'm taking the kids trick or treating. I'm sorry that you have to work and have no one else to watch her but them's the breaks. Yes I realize that if I had told you I didn't want to keep your daughter just a few days sooner you could have hired a nanny but I really didn't take your feelings or plans into consideration because I resent the fact that you get to work and have a life outside of your kids."

It's time for Alyssa to start teething! And get a wicked diaper rash from her lack of care.

Oh wait, I made a horrible miscalculation, we would be on the streets if I weren't at work. Theres no way we can send her to daycare.

Oh what? Cancer. Shit, I forgot. Okay, do your test.... s0mething's wrong? Do another one, I'll wait patiently for the results.

It's my fault you didn't put the right address on your order? I'm letting some flake keep my daughter for half my pay and I have to put up with this shit? Lets re-evaluate the budget.

Shit. There really isn't enough money to go around.. Oh well, we're getting transferred in January, it'll all be over soon.

What, that may not happen? Oh well, our lease isn't up til January anyway.

November, you say?

Should we move and possibly save money, only to maybe get transferred in January or stay where we are, in a complex we hate, paying way too much?

Too bad I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my husband in a week. We might be able to come up with a plan if I didn't have to go to sleep before he even leaves work.

Can someone please stop the ride? I need a break!!!!!

Just relax, i'm going to rip out pieces of your vagina.

I went for my Colposcopy today. Things weren't as good as they could have been and we'll have to wait a week to see if they are as bad as they could be. Between now and then I have to try and keep my mind off of it. Riiiight.

So, I'm in the office, feet in stirrups and my husband grabs my hand. The doctor explained the procedure-- 'we put vinegar on your cervix. if you have abnormal cells, they will turn white. we'll biopsy any white spots to check for cancer. it could be bad... it could be nothing'

For a moment, I wondered how they dispose of samples once they have been tested. Then I wondered how many pieces of me are floating around the universe... is there a baggie with a little bit of me in it hanging out in Russia? How would I know?

My husband thought this would be a good time to relieve some of my anxiety. "Woah, there's a lady checking out your whohoo with a telescope!"

We all laughed, we kept making jokes, then the cells turned white.

A few snips, some iodine and "mud cells" later, and I was ready to go. We did a little shopping and got some lunch. The retail therapy helped relieve the stress a bit. I bought some frames to put more of our pictures in and I added to Alyssa's new Precious Moments collection.

I have a minor shopping addiction that has kind of exploded since I gave birth. I'm really hoping that I can wean myself off shopping once Christmas passes. At least I'm getting good deals! I haven't paid more than half price for anything and I even got a pair of steel toed boots for $10.

No matter what other problems I have, I just remind myself that I have a wonderful, happy, healthy baby and then I realize that nothing else matters. I want her to stay that way.

She's even sleeping through the night a little! She's such an angel when she's asleep. I love cuddling with her... it makes everything better.

MIA

The last week has been very eventful... kind of like Club Med in hell. Our sitter basically quit, I got my first ever speeding ticket, and I've had to prepare for cancer testing. Oh, Boy!

So, our sitter decided that we were not paying her nearly enough to watch our newborn. Newborns are a lot of work and she feels that she just doesn't have the time to devote to caring for someone else's child. She brought up the fact that she has to pay a sitter $5 an hour and felt that she should get something comparable.

I'm all for people trying to make some money, but we adjusted our plans based on the agreement that she would watch our daughter during the day and sometimes overnight for a set amount of money each week. The theory "I want more money for less work" really irritated me.

Part of the reason we went with her is because she's a friend and she needs the money, part of it was that I didn't want to put Alyssa in daycare or send her to live with my parents for a few months.

Now that the 'babymoon' is over, she doesn't want to live up to her bargain.

So I looked at daycare again. No one that we can afford (and that doesn't have at least 10 metro reports for abuse and molestation) is accepting infants right now.

My job is requiring mandatory overtime, so our lunches have been cut down to the minimum allowed by law and we will probably have to start staying later. This means, for me, that I can no longer pump at work. For Alyssa, that means that she is mostly getting formula.

Another expense.

Then I went and got a speeding ticket.

Alyssa was not in the car, so no hate mail please.

I thought the speed limit was 65 and was coming up over a hill straight into a speed trap. As it turns out, the speed limit was 55... I was doing 71.

I ended up being late to work.

I'm starting to think that all of the bullshit isn't worth it, especially since I spend a good chunk of my day trying to explain that I miss my daughter too much to hang pictures up at my desk.

Hopefully Tuesday we'll find out that I don't have cancer and that'll take some of the stress off. Maybe then I won't be so cranky... lately I've been mean for no reason. Only to the people I love, which makes it worse.

Never to the baby.

I just apologize for not being a better mom.

Maybe this is that PPD is like?

Left foot green, right hand... omg... is that.. poop?

Yes, yes it is.

We went out for a lovely dinner at Olive Garden to celebrate my return to work. Unlimited pasta bowls, great breadsticks, lots of salad... what could possibly go wrong? When you have an infant, you get a whole new perspective on Murphy's' law.

She slept the whole car ride there so I knew we would never make it through the entree without some fussing and sure enough, before we were even done with our first salad plate, she wanted to nurse. I'm not yet comfortable nursing in public and I didn't want to leave the table to nurse in private, so I gave her a bottle. She calmed down and went back to sleep in her car seat. She has these harness pads that feature cute little puppy dogs and she had one ear in her mouth, using her arm as a pillow.

Once our food arrived, angel hair with meat sauce, we dug in. It was really, really good. I got meatballs and sausage on mine. I was in heaven.

After a few minutes, I looked down and noticed that the puppy on the right side was really dirty. I leaned in for closer examination "What did you get all over your puppy? Did that happen at O's?" Then I noticed a small puddle on the right hand side of the car seat. "Oh no... Wipes. I need wipes!"

My Husband grabbed the wipes out of the diaper bag. "This one's empty, get the other one."

He rummaged and found my store brand back-ups at the bottom of the bag. I grabbed a few out and threw them over her right side since she was trying to put her poo covered hand in her mouth.

I asked one of the waiters if he could get me a bag. Sadly, Olive Garden doesn't use plastic. Good for recycling... bad for poo covered clothes. I took it anyway and ran to the bathroom with the car seat. Alyssa stayed remarkably calm.

I got the changing table pulled down, threw her changing pad on it and got everything set to get her cleaned up. Then i got smacked in the head with a stall door. Those bathrooms are tiny!

A little girl tugged on her Mommy's hand "Look at the little baby! Can I go see it?" Her mom walked her over to get a better view. "Oh, what a precious little angel you have! Can my daughter shake her hand?"

"Now really isn't a good time... She's going to start screaming any second."

"Oh, does she not like to get changed?"

"She does just fine with diapers but this is a little more involved."

I grabbed some paper towels to protect my hands (note to self: add disposable gloves to the diaper bag. And an apron.) and grabbed Alyssa under the arm pits.

"Don't do that, you'll drop her... OH MY! Come on honey, let's let this mommy get her cleaned up."

It was worse than I thought. Her entire right side was covered in poop. All the way to her ear. I didn't even know where to start. I grabbed some wipes and got as much as I could cleaned up, then I changed her diaper. I'm not sure who thought it would be a good idea to put real buttons on the back of a dress (her brand new dress. never worn. so cute.) but they need to be stabbed.

I couldn't get all of the buttons undone while trying to keep her from squirming to the floor, so it was a little bit of a struggle to pull her dress down rather than going over hear head, but I finally got it off. I tossed it in the paper bag, along with everything that was in the car seat, and realized that her new diaper was now poo covered. So I put down some paper towels and changed her diaper again.

I lined her car seat with paper towels so that I could put her back in it while I washed off her changing pad.

Once everything was clean enough, I took her back to her daddy and got the keys to take the dirty clothes to the car.

The waitress gave exclaimed, "You survived!" and threw her arms around me. I guess My Husband told her what happened.

The waitress boxed up our food and even got us our 'endless pasta' refills to take home. Amazing! I couldn't believe that she was going to do that. We gave her a really good tip. Alyssa was asleep before we even got to the car.

My Husband and I chatted a little bit on the way back, but mostly we were talking ourselves through the gameplan for once we got home. I dismantled the car seat and threw everything that would detach into the washing machine. Then I dumped the paper bag in. There was no time to scrub everything beforehand... my stomach was already a little weak. We got Allie out of her backup outfit and threw that in too, then we put her in the sink for a bath. She wasn't real happy since we had woken her up, but she did pretty well.

I can now officially say that I cannot wait to go back to work.

I love my daughter. More than I've ever loved anything in my life. I want to make sure she has the means to have nice clothing, a great education, and everything she needs to grow and develop her own personality. To do that, I know that I need to work... at least for a little while.

If we get enough saved up, I won't have to work when we have our next child so I am willing to do whatever it takes now. On nights when O is going to keep her overnight, I'm going to put in some extra hours that way we can pad our savings account with all of the extra income. That will also help keep my mind busy so I'm not so sad. It's a necessary evil but knowing that O will have her for a few days in a row just breaks my heart. It's really the only option but I feel guilty for letting her keep Alyssa so much... like I'm missing out on an important part of being a new mom.

I already have a 2 hour commute and if I had to drop her off and pick her up everyday, that would quickly turn into 3 and a half or 4 hours.

I hope my little Allie Cat understands that I'm not abandoning her... Once she's a teenager screaming about how I never loved her, I'll have her look at this blog and show her that no one could ever love her more. Afterall, I let her wipe poop on me in a restaurant bathroom.