Tuesday, December 29, 2009

After what seems like years, I am finally a full time mom!

My baby is back and we've been having a blast getting to know each other again. She is learning at light speed and it's a little challenging to keep up with her. For instance, she has learned to wiggle away from most restraints, how to turn her toys off (but not on.. that's the important part!) and how to keep mommy entertained by having me chase her all around the floor.

Exibit A: Allie and I on the floor playing with her toys.

Allie not being nearly as happy playing by herself.

So far, it has taken me about 4 days to make this post since I've been so busy but I am thrilled to be a full time mommy. There is no way I could leave this little angel with anyone while I went to work, and we finally have the means to give Alyssa the full time attention that she deserves.

I love her to the stars and I know the New Year is going to be a lot brighter now that we're all together again.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

FINALLY!

MY BABY IS COMING HOME IN LESS THAN AN HOUR!!!!!!!!!!

that is all.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Woo Woo!

Tomorrow, right about 1pm CST, my parents will be piling into their truck to bring Alyssa home. FINALLY!

Excited does not even begin to describe how I feel right now.

I am very thankful for the time that she got to spend with her grandparents, great-grandparents and assorted friends and family, but it's time for my baby to be home.

In other news, we are moving to the middle of nowhere fairly soon.

The plus side? We can most likely get base housing there (or buy an inexpensive house... our monthy payments would be way lower than our housing allowance. Score!) so that we don't have to worry so much about our financial state.

The down side? I can't think of anything but then again I've never actually visited this village.

The most awesome thing in the world? We will have our family back together.

Thanks to everyone that supported us through this struggle and for those that didn't support us, go hit yourself with a sack of hammers. Now. I'll wait.

Done? Good.

On a side note: Recession Christmas has actually been really, really good to us. I got some amazing deals on things that we needed/wanted. For the first time in a while I was very glad that we live in this city and have access to to the kind of shopping that makes sure you can have money left over but not feel like you had to give up everything.

I will miss these stores very, very much. (Seriously, I saw a pair of Coach rain boots for $13... COACH! Yes, they were real.)

Anywho, time to eat dinner and get everything perfect for Alyssa's first Christmas!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Listen up

I got my first flames so I guess that means I'm a real blogger now?

This is my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. It really shouldn't have to go any further than that.

I can say whatever the fuck I want, because you see, this is my blog.

I won't always be nice, I won't always have anything interesting to say, but that doesn't matter because it is my blog.

As long as I am protected under the first amendment, I will continue to say what I want. And I will post it here. Because this is my blog.

You can call me names, leave negative comments, basically do anything except threaten me or my family because you are also protected under the first amendment.

However, this is my blog, and I may not respond well to your feedback. But that's alright. Because you don't have to read it.

See that little X in the upper right hand corner of the screen? That will take you away from my blog so that you don't have to read the things that I write.

If I were required to censor myself or put some thought into what I'm posting, I would be getting paid for this. But I'm not. Why? This is a free blog and I am just not that interesting.

When you don't like a television show do you sit there and scream at the actors? No. You change the channel. Oddly, the internet works in a similar fashion. If you don't like what you're reading, there are tons of other pages out there. You can view them all, if you like! It would probably be a better use of your time.

Now, to address some of the comments that were left:

1. Putting a "burden" on my aging parents.

They are thrilled to be able to spend time with their grand-daughter. She's getting to see both sets of grand-parents and her great-grandmas. She's having a blast. And so are they. Yes they have lives, but you see, you can continue to live even with a newborn. "It takes a village to raise a child" Well, they have a village ready to step in if anyone ever needs a break.

2. I am not the only Military Wife.

That is correct. I'm not. And I don't act like I am. In fact, I'm part of a group of Military wives and we meet once a month to discuss important issues. We also do neat things like make blankets for Soldier's Angels and assist with dinner/law care/car maintenance for families that are deployed. If we had more time to get a gameplan together, they probably could have even watched my daughter. We didn't.

3. I'm a stupid bitch.

You are 100% correct. Sorry, I have no rebuttal.

4. You should live on base.

Yeah, we should. The thing is, we couldn't get base housing when we moved out here. By the time a slot opened, we couldn't get out of our lease. Just before the housing market crashed, we planned to buy a house. That fell through and we got stuck in another lease. Living on base wouldn't be as easy as you think, either. You see, my husband works at a base where there is no base housing. It's over an hour away at a different, larger base. So that would solve the rent problem, but it would create several other problems.

5. You sent your daughter away because you want to sleep.

No, we weren't able to find workable childcare for the hours that we needed. Even though I don't have an infant with me twenty four hours a day, I am still not sleeping. Why? Because I wake up thinking that I hear her crying. I lay awake at night wondering if I have screwed my daughter up for life by sending her to her grandparents. And some nights, I just can't sleep.

If our childcare situation had worked out, we would have been fine. We felt that our daughter was not being taken care of and so we had to make adjustments in a timely manner.

6. What if you didn't have your family? What would you have done then?

We would have figured something out.

7. Live in a shithole.

Then we would have to break our lease, which would be counterproductive since it would cost us 5k and we are going to be PCSing soon any way.

8. You should have prepared better.

I agree. The thing is, we weren't trying to get pregnant. Alyssa was an 'oops!'. A very much loved, exciting and wanted oops, but we were not expecting her. We put back a lot of money while I was still pregnant but we ended up having to rely very heavily on our savings when the doctor took me off work at eight and a half months. Sure, I had FMLA but it didn't kick in until she was actually born and only ran for 6 weeks. It was better than nothing, but it turns out that babies are expensive. As a new mom, I had no idea what to expect financially.

9. You will never know what it is like to experience all there is to experience with having a baby.

This is not the first baby that I have raised, but it is the first that is my own. Now, if you are planning to remove my ovaries so that I can't have more kids, I'd really like a heads up. Just so I can take some time off work. You know how it is.

I was with her for the first three and a half months. I loved it. I don't mind getting up at night with a baby. I don't mind the fussing and the crying. In fact, I thought it was a wonderful thing. I never thought that we would have children, then I didn't think that either of us would live through the birth, and here she was. This gorgeous little girl that I got to keep forever. Yes, it did get frustrating and yes I was suffering from post-partum depression. Everyone goes through it.

10. You don't give a baby that young water and only water.

We never gave her straight water. There was one bottle that was 90% water because we didn't have any more formula with us and she wanted to nurse but I was not comfortable doing that in public.

I know some parents that give their babies at least one bottle of water a day and they are just as happy and healthy as the other babies I know.

11. You don't blow in a babies face and then laugh at it when it cries. Many people saw you do this.

Really? There were only a handful of times that I even took my daughter out so if you could please be more specific about the incident, I would greatly appreciate it. P.S. Blowing in a baby's face helps it stop crying. They are surprised by the sudden gust of air and it makes them pause.

12. Oh, like you are the FIRST ONE to ever have a colicy baby who doesn't sleep! Get off your fucking high horse!

I don't own a horse.

If you read my buddy, The Ophelia Entries, you will see that I know all about colicky babies. In fact, we discussed it quite a bit since her little girl was also very colicky. Colic just means that the baby cries for more than three hours a day for more than three days a week for at least three weeks. Usually it is accompanied by abdominal pain and gas. Yes, it is common but not all babies are colicky.



Now that we've handled that, I have disabled anonymous commenting, so if you want to bash me you will have to do so with a name, any name, attached. Have a great day!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The final word on our decision

A lot of people have given me a lot of shit about letting my daughter stay with her grandparents and great-grandparents in Arkansas.

I have taken it, and taken it, and taken it... but this is it. I'm done.

Point-blank, if I had quit my job to stay home with Alyssa, because that's what it would have taken, we would be homeless.

My husband is a Senior Airman in the United States Air Force and I make more money than he does. I work in a call center. He is a co-pilot for a multi-million dollar plane.

How fair is that?

Note, I said homeless. Not financially strapped, not unable to afford the things we have-- homeless.

Yes, we have several game systems, a large flat panel television, a lay-z-boy recliner and a new couch but we bought most of those things before we had a baby. If we hadn't bought them, we could have put more money in savings, but hey... people with babies work all the time, right?

Sure, if they have a support system, reliable childcare and an easy baby. We had a colicky, fussy baby with a very short temper that felt sleep was for sissies. We also have to deal with my husbands ever-changing schedule and my very demanding job.

We also had no support system and incredibly unreliable childcare.

Do. Not. Judge. Me.

We made the best decision for our family and it has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Including the time I actually was homeless.

Don't lecture me about missing important events with my daughter. Believe me, I know. I wasn't there for Halloween. I wasn't there when she was sick. I wasn't there for Thanksgiving. I wasn't there to stop her MiMi from giving her applesauce that hurt her tummy. I wasn't there to hold her at night when she missed me. I wasn't there to kiss her when she felt bad.

Everything I have done for the last two and a half months has been solely for the purpose of keeping my mind off of everything.

At work, people see her picture and ask me when I'm going to bring her in. Then I have to explain that she's with her grandparents and it starts all over.

My precious little girl is growing up without me and I hate it.

At least she will be home soon. When she is older, I'm going to have to explain why we did this. I hope she understands. I hope she knows that I didn't want to leave her. I hope she knows that we wanted her to stay with us and that we love her. And I hope she is strong enough to do the same thing if it ever comes down to it.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Just a few more days...

Before the end of the month I will have my daughter back and I'll be a stay at home mom.

I can't wait!

In other news, the move got pushed back, yet again... so who knows when we are leaving. It's a really good thing I went back to work for a bit or we would never be able to afford our rent.

Work has been really difficult for me and I am just counting down the days. Honestly, I've had one foot out the door for quite some time and as soon as I have deposited my bonus check, it'll be smooth sailing.

We are looking for a home to purchase at our new location and it isn't going to well. Mostly because we don't have solid plans but partially because our budget will be so tight.

I know that I will not be able to leave my sweet baby girl for a while, so we will just have to find a way to make it work.

I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't focus too much on the time that is passing. I finished (well, wrote 50,000 words...) my NaNoWriMo and I'm going to clean it up so that I can get a free published copy in June. That will be super exciting!

I also started making a quilt. I don't know what possessed me to take on that project but I'm almost halfway done... or so I think. I've never made one of these before but I assume the patchwork part is the most time consuming... then again, I could be completely wrong.

Once I'm done, I'll post pictures for your amusement.

How are you?