What is this thing and why is it crying?

It's been a little over a week since my amazingly adorable bundle of human came out. My Parents have left, the party is over, and I'm freaking exhausted. A few days ago I started having a horrible reaction to the Percocet I was on... my legs swelled up really huge and I got this horrible itchy rash all over my body. "Oh, Percocet does that to some people. Sorry!"

There was also a horrifying 'almost 911 call' because I was breathing but completely unresponsive. I blamed the Percocet, so I stopped taking it. Let's talk about pain for a moment, shall we? Between incision pain, contractions, labor, random horrible aches that will 'go away in time', and headaches from all the drugs I've been in a whole lot of pain since the 22nd.

Did I mention I was in labor for something like 30 hours before the c-section?

Shortly after I stopped taking my pain medication, I realized that half the reason I'm doing so much better than everyone expected is because I was stoned out of my mind on Percocet. What else can I take? Nothing! ... Lovely.

Back to the point

So, pain plus lack of sleep plus cranky equals a very bad time for depression. But sure as shit, the 'baby blues' come stompin' down my street lookin' for a place to crash. I have cried and gotten angry and, as much as I hate to admit it, thought about just giving her to my parents and having a new sister rather than a daughter.

My Husband has tried to be helpful but he's tired too and has been a little too eager to focus on all of the things that I'm screwing up. I forgot to pay our cable bill, put something in the wrong place, growled at him in my sleep, forgot I was holding a baby and nearly dropped her, knocked a bunch of stuff over and started crying because I couldn't pick it up, oh, and let the baby roll off the couch. That's right, I've had her less than a month and she's already hit her head. She was on the couch with me, I got up to take something to the kitchen, she rolled over and wiggled her way right onto the floor, smacking her head in the process.

I freaked the fuck out.

I threw everything I was holding into a chair and grabbed her out of My Husband's arms. For the next 10 minutes or so I clung to her like my life depended on it, rocking back and forth, crying. I kept telling her how sorry I was while My Husband yelled at me for being so careless.

That's a great feeling, let me tell you.

I called my mom. Mom used to own a daycare and my dad was an EMT, so I really trust their judgment on how to handle things like this. They said that she was probably fine and that we should keep her up for at least an hour to make sure that she didn't have a concussion. There isn't even a bruise on her head, so I don't think she hurt herself, it was just horrifying.

There are some moments where I feel worthless... like I'm a complete failure and I think about how unlucky she is to have me as a parent because I'm not very good at it. During those times I try to reassure myself that it's mostly the depression that's causing this feeling and that it will get easier and I will get more confident.

Then a little voice in the back of my head chimes in: "What if..."

Right now my relationship with My Husband is strained, I feel disconnected from my baby, and I have yet to receive any payment from my short term disability claim (maternity leave). I know things will get better, I just hope it happens soon.

P.S.

Hey You was closest on the baby poll... She was 6lbs 13oz, 19 inches long and born on June 23rd at 7:42 pm PST

All aboard the choo choo PAIN

I am officially a new mommy. On Monday, June 22nd I went in to meet with the anesthesiologist because I discovered that I might be denied pain medication since we hadn't had a formal "sit down and sign these forms" meeting. My doctor got me the first available appointment and we went over all of the risks and benefits of various sorts of pregnancy medication techniques. Going into it, I knew that I wanted to try and have as natural of a birth as possible.

HAH!

So, I signed the forms and took my chart back over to Labor and Delivery since I was scheduled for induction later that day. Rather than going in a few hours later, they were like "Oh, we've got your bed ready so hop on in. Let's get this party started!"

Wha?

We came home long enough for me to grab my bag and get eat lunch (like, as fast as I've ever eaten in my life... they warned me that I wouldn't be able to eat for a very long time) and then we rushed back over to the hospital. The plan was to start off with cervidil to soften and stretch my cervix, add a balloon to get me to 5cm, then 12 hours later we would start the pitocin drip and, hopefully, we would have a baby within the following 24 hours.

Well, it turns out I'd been having regular contractions and just couldn't feel them. I was already dilated to 2cm and the cervidil wouldn't have done anything at that point. They inserted a balloon to stretch my cervix to 5cm so that we could start the whole labor thing.

Wow, talk about some pain. I discovered that when I'm faced with horrible debilitating pain, I start laughing. A lot. It freaked the doctor out.

So, they got the balloon in and started the pitocin so that I could fully stretch and prepare for birth. A few hours later my contractions were so bad that I was laughing through tears without any stop. I asked for IV drugs.

They gave me some awesome stuff I spent the next several hours flopping between feeling great and 'omg this is the worst pain ever kill me now'. I also slipped in and out of consciousness. I was in a drug coma, so I wasn't even really getting any rest and I was so very tired. Tension was high since everyone was really stressed out. The people that love me the most had to watch me go through horrible pain and try to pretend that everything was alright. Some of us cope with things differently than others and feelings got hurt, people got mad, and I finally asked for an epidural.

In the event that we have another child, I'm getting that thing upon admission.

I requested more IV drugs so that I wouldn't jump around when they inserted the epidural catheter and they gave me some of the best stuff I've ever had in my life. My mom was next to me, stroking my hair, talking about being on the beach and listening to the waves... physically, I was in the hospital. Mentally, I was in Tahiti. At some point, I came to realize that my brain world wasn't showing an accurate picture of what was going on and started to freak out. 'Where's my fruity drink? Get Pablo back in here, I need a massage! That's not a volcano, that's a needle!'

Fortunately, I was able to keep my surprise to myself an d I don't think anyone really noticed. Except the nurse. She could see the disappointment in my face.

I sat up and arched my back as best I could, then I leaned into My Husband for support. To try and keep myself calm and still, I made up a little song to sing and it was quite hilarious. My Husband, the nurse and the anesthesiologist were all laughing. Yeah, great idea, make the lady with the needle laugh. What could go wrong?

It was actually really great. I don't know why I was so worried about it.

At that point, I got a catheter since I wasn't going to be walking for quite some time. As much as I hate to admit it, that was pretty awesome too. I didn't have to get up to pee. I was, officially, the laziest person on earth. Then I remembered that I was having a baby and without that awesome medication, I would be in excruciating pain. Oh yeah, that's why I'm in the hospital, right?

Well, from there, things just kept getting weirder and weirder, so I ended up on oxygen. This is what My Husband and My Parents got to look at for a very long time.


Even though they hated seeing me hooked up to all of these machines, I'm sure it was much easier than watching me cry my eyes out with every contraction.

I even got my bunny to squeeze.

During one of my moments of 'not quite there' I decided that I was having my baby at 7:42pm and that it would rock since 7 is a lucky number and 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Yeah, I'm a dork.

Oddly enough, things took a turn for the worst and they had to get the baby out very quickly. It wasn't an emergency c-section, it was just done very quickly.

On my list of the 10 most terrifying moments in my life, it's definitely in my top 2.

I had one doctor sitting on my chest trying to push my baby out, one doc on my side trying to make room and several other people in various places doing stuff. My Husband was trying to keep me focused on him so that I wouldn't think about what was going on. I didn't really care because I was in an awkward position and my back was killing me. I was bawling tears from my back pain and drug lady gave me some more medication. It kind of helped. Once my baby was out, I was still in a crazy amount of pain but I knew that I couldn't even try to move. They helped as much as they could, but it still was not pleasant.

I only kind of got to see my baby because I was shaking so bad that they were afraid I was going to reach out for her. Fortunately, My Husband got to see her and cut the cord and take pictures so that I could look at them while they were cleaning her off.

There was a miscommunication and my parents were told that they were not allowed to see her.

Holy crap the world exploded.

Rather than "you can't see her", they should have said "We're going to do her assessment and vaccination now so that you can all see her at the same time."

I got to my recovery room and wanted my baby. My Husband went to go get something from My Parents and came back freaking out. "Call your parents right now because they are leaving. Like, going home, leaving..."

I lost my shit.

I went into hysterics and tried calling them repeatedly. I left messages and demanded that they call as soon as they could. The nurses told me that if I didn't calm down I was going to rip out my stitches, have a stroke, and possibly bleed to death. Did I care? No. My mommy was leaving me and I couldn't figure out what I had done.

The nurses were even like "What the heck, what happened? They seemed fine."

The anesthesiologist came in, tried to calm me down, and gave me a big hug. My parents came back and we got everything straightened out. Turns out there was just a miscommunication.

My Husband asked if they could give me a sedative so that I wouldn't hurt myself.

We got everything straightened out. At this point, the nurses were really protective and my parents were really pissed off at the nurses. I had to explain what happened and everyone calmed down.

They finally brought the baby in and we all completely fell in love with her.




Can you blame us? A few hours old and she's already a ham.





















From there, I had to stay in the hospital for several days and receive care of varying levels, ranging from '100% totally awesome' to 'why the hell am I even in the hospital? Let me die on the street'

Finally, they discharged me on Friday (after I yelled at them) and I've been doing really, really well ever since. Being at home has helped so much ( I don't have to wait 4 hours for some bitchy nurse to bring me my Percoset... I just reach over and grab it!)

There will be so many pictures to come, but for now, it's time to take a nap.

Say hello to my little friend....

PLEASE!

Oh my gosh, I don't think this baby is ever going to come out!

My parents came in a few days ago because the doctor told me to be ready for induction on Tuesday if my kidney function did not improve. I came home and told my parents to head on out since we were probably going to have the baby really soon...

My parents got here on Sunday night and it is now Tuesday. I went for my NST today and 'good news!', my kidneys are doing better! Bad news? That means no baby for now. The induction is scheduled for Monday and we should have the baby by next Wednesday.

This means that my parents came out here a week early for no good reason. This means that my mom is missing a week's worth of pay just to hang out and help me clean. This means that they won't get to spend as much time with their granddaughter.

I will be spending at least 3 days in the hospital and I am NOT looking forward to that. I do not like hospitals, I do not like doctors, I sure as shit do not like being hooked up to machines and told that I can't move.

My current plan is to do everything in my power to make this baby come out now. NOW! Even though I'm terrified of the whole labor thing, I can't wait to walk around like a normal person again. I hate having to stop and lean on my shopping cart because I'm having contractions. I hate not being able to keep up with My Husband. I hate feeling like a burden. It's time for things to be somewhat normal again.

Then I think about what having a baby will mean. No more running to the store without loading someone up in the car. No more 'spur of the moment' micro-vacations. No more retail therapy. No more being free to do what I want, when I want. Constantly having this needy little thing to care for... Am I really 'Mommy' material?

I think so. I kind of 'mother' everyone anyway and I'm pretty good with kids even though they get on my nerves. Plus, I rock and I want to show the world just how awesome I am by spreading my genes around. I have so much love that I feel like I need another person to share it with, and who better than my own child?

My brain has a lot of stuff to process and I'm just starting to get to the point where I can think about these things in the context of my own life. It's no longer an abstract idea... I'm going to be a mom. Soon.

It scares the hell out of me, but I'm so ready.

What the crap, oh no, we are not ready

I go to the doctor twice a week. On Tuesdays I get a NST (no stress test) and they check my glucose log and blood sugar to make sure everything looks good. At that point, I usually get a jug to do a 24 hour urine collection so they can see how much protein is spilling out.

Apparently, a lot.

The doc has decided that I will deliver no later than Monday the 22nd. Most likely I will have my baby on Tuesday. The doctor explained things to me like this:

'There are three levels of badness as far as protein in the urine goes. Green, yellow, and red. Most people walking around have a protein level of under 100. Your's is 575. Right now, you're in yellow moving toward red. If you get to red, we induce immediately since this will start causing permanent, irreversible damage to your kidneys and liver. If it gets bad enough, you will need dialysis or a kidney transplant. Let's get that baby out of you.'

I asked how long I had, since my parents are coming down for the delivery. She told me to call my parents and get them on a flight because if I start having blurred vision, pain, or headaches, they will induce immediately. My parents should hopefully be here tomorrow night.

Right now, I'm packing my bag for the hospital and I could really use some help. So far I have the following:

1 nightgown that can be destroyed
underwear that can be thrown away
facial cleanser
body wash
deodorant
medicated body powder
1 tennis ball
mouthwash
travel pack of baby care items (lotion, diaper cream, powder, wash, and shampoo)
onesies and a coming home outfit for Alyssa
1 receiving blanket

What else do I need?
What do you wish you had in your bag?
How much of this will I actually use?

HELP!!!!

We're goin' on a hike!

My doctor told me to make sure I'm getting plenty of exercise since it's really important to keep my blood sugar and weight down right now, especially in the last few weeks of pregnancy. Since My Husband and I both had the day off and were dying to get out of the house, we went up to the mountain and took a stroll down one of the trails.

This is the very beginning of this trail-- the parking lot.

Party fail

No one showed up to my baby shower.

Maybe I don't have as many friends as I thought.