This is Halloween...

My dearest friend, if you don't mind.
I'd like to join you by your side,
where we can gaze into the stars.
And sit together,
now and forever.
For it is plain as anyone can see,
we're simply meant to be

We made it 4 years! Who would have thought. I love you to the stars and I can't imagine a life without you in it. We started with next to nothing, and look at how we've grown! There's money in the bank, we have a gorgeous daughter, a giant ass cat and name brand electronics. Every day I look forward to spending time with you, even when we're just hanging out on the couch. Some of my favorite memories come from lazy days laying in bed, watching tv. You may not be the coolest person I know, but I certainly love you the most ;)

Without the bad, you cannot truly appreciate the good so I would not trade a moment of the last 4 years for anything.

I love you, babe. Through Heaven and Hell.

Now, if only I could sleep...

Since my daughter has been staying with her grandparents, I've spent a lot of time alone. So far I haven't really been able to get anything done since I've been sick. To make things easy, here's a short list of the things I haven't been doing:

Cleaning
Cooking
Housekeeping
Working Overtime
Sleeping
Packing
Repainting the Walls
Paying Attention to the Finances


The thing is, my baby is gone, My Husband is working graveyard, and I'm so stressed out from work that I wan't to explode. What's a girl to do?

Everyone's always asking how the baby is. I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me and my family. But... When I talk about it all the time, I miss her so much more. If I really think about it, I can almost feel her snuggled up on my shoulder, trying to fit my cheek into her mouth. I can almost hear her cooing at me while I try to fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I hear her cry. Then I cry because she isn't here.

Everyone keeps saying they don't know how I can do it; that they wouldn't have the strength. How am I doing it? Not well. Not well at all.

I really don't know that I'll be able to hold out until Christmas. That's two whole months away.

I have to. I have to do this for my family. I have to be stronger than I think I am. I know that we were meant to take her to Arkansas. It can't be coincidence that she got sick in the city with the best pediatrics hospital in the nation. I don't think chance led my father in law to retire early, making him available to watch Alyssa. I feel like we're being herded toward something fantastic and I'll just have to be patient until we have a better understanding of what we are supposed to do.

I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

'Ello gov'ner

Dear Blog,

Hi there! Remember me? Your writer? Yeah... sorry I haven't written in a while. Things got a little intense.

You see, first, we took Allie to stay with her Grandparents in Arkansas. That was an ordeal... I couldn't possibly have written while we were down there. And it's probably a good thing I didn't. Someday, Allie will read this and wonder why I keep calling Mimi "Lucifer" and why her daddy called Pops an egotistical prick.

Fortunately, Gigi and Grumpy are much more tame.

During our stay, we did lots of fun things like check out my parent's cabin, eat at a lot of amazing places, and visit some pretty cool people. We did some things that sucked too. Like fighting with my in-laws and sitting in the ER of Children's Hospital waiting on test results.

Oh, did I mention? Allie got swine flu. They say it was probably from the plane but I just don't know. Right now I kind of see this as "Hey, you just spent $1,000 to give your daughter pork chop fever and dump her with her grandparents. Mother of the Year award coming right up!".

I miss my daughter. I really, really dislike my job right now, and My Husband is working overnight so I'm all alone.

Being a grownup isn't very much fun right now.

Did I mention that I forgot to pack my Zoloft for the trip? Yeah, that went well...

Anyway, everything is starting to calm down a little bit so hopefully we'll be in touch more. I hope you understand-- it wasn't you, it's me.

Please forgive me. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,
Mallomar

Survey says...

The results are in. What results? The cancer results.

So, as the doctor explained to me, the cervix is round like a clock. They took tissue samples from the cell clusters at 1 oclock and 9 oclock. The tissue from 1 oclock is perfect and normal and everything is happy. The tissue from 9 oclock... well... we just don't know. I have to go back in 6 months for another colposcopy. So the threat of cancer is still looming, but at least we know that part of me is alright.

In other news, we are bringing Alyssa to Arkansas on the 7th of October. She will be staying with a combination of all of her grand and great-grand parents, plus my aunt and possibly some family friends. The village is raising my child.

When will we get her back? That's really up in the air right now. It's possible that she will be back at the end of November, or the beginning of December, or Christmas Eve.

This means that I will miss my baby's first Halloween, her first Thanksgiving, and possibly her first Christmas Eve.

I am beyond sad.

I just keep telling myself that this is a choice and we made the best choice for our family. She is going to be with people that love her and she is going to be well cared for so I don't have to worry about someone flaking out and leaving her with people I don't know.

Her diaper will also be changed.

Today, a friend of mine is going to the courthouse with me to try and get this whole traffic violation thing taken care of. The automated system made it sound like I won't be responsible for paying anything as long as I go down there and prove that I have insurance.

I'm not sure how that works since the ticket is mainly for speeding, but let's hope that it's correct.

I have to get this taken care of today or at least sometime in the next few days, since we will be in Arkansas on my court date. Let's hope this goes smoothly.

What have we learned?

So, I found this auction site called pennypurses.net where they auction designer bags. The catch is, you have to pay for your bids, then the price of the bag if you win. So basically you're paying for the opportunity to purchase a designer bag. Not only do you have to pay for your bids, but every time a person submits a bid, it adds 10 seconds to the auction clock.

Great business plan. Sucks for the bidders.

Last night, there was a coach bag that I desperately wanted. I've seen this bag before and I decided that I was going to bid on it.

So I bought some bids. Then ended up in a 3 hour bidding war, spent $140 and didn't get the damn bag.

my husband was mad.

not near as mad as I was. Not that I didn't win the bag, whatever, but that I spent so much money trying to win the bag.

This brought up a very sensitive topic, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone. My husband turned to me and screamed "Why are you such a fucking jew? Just buy the damn bag already and get on with your life."

Little does he realize that we wouldn't be able to afford a lot of the things that we have if I weren't so frugal. How do I have Gucci glasses and several pairs of Uggs? I'm thrifty.

And before you jump on the "oh my god, Uggs are hideous" bandwagon, they aren't the classic style and they are damn comfy.

I clip coupns and shop sales... I stockpile groceries and cut expenses where I can. By shopping in a better way, we've had enough money to pay off all of our credit cards and still have some money left for the things we want. Since giving birth, I've been going through a lot of emotional stuff and I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. This time, unfortunately, I've been using major retail therapy to fill the gaps in my life.

I have spent more money of frivolous things in the past few months than I think I spent on the same sorts of things last year. Why? Hecka sales on children's clothes, bakeware, electronics and home goods.

Why? Because the economy is in the crapper.

Why? Because people spent more than they could afford.

Why? To fill the gaps in our lives and to stay happy.

Case in point, I am not happy. See previous posts for details.

Now, before you start throwing stones and telling me that I could stay home if I weren't buying plush hamburger shaped CD cases, let me just be honest. I couldn't. This is using excess money from my job. Yes, I get paid pretty well.

If I can make it through December and get that bonus, I will be able to stay home with my daughter, be a lot happier, and hopefully cut back on the excess shopping.

In the mean time, I made a fatal miscalculation in our budget and my husband and I spent a crazy amount of money at Best Buy yesterday... long before the stupid auction. I checked our bank account only to realize that our car payment has not gone through yet. Whoopsie daisy...

Now I'm pulling money out of savings to make sure that nothing happens before my paycheck goes in. After I get paid, I can probably transfer all of the money back to our savings account-- after I pay our sitter.

I don't want to pay our sitter. I think she's doing a terrible job and she isn't living up to our agreement. But I have to. She is watching our daughter while I'm at work so that I can get a paycheck which is worth the pay.... I guess.

So I guess I'd better get back to clipping coupons before I kill our budget 2 months in a row. Buying things is fun. I wish I didn't think it was, but I do. Now I just have to learn to live with it. Hmm... maybe there's a sale I need to know about...

Revelations

Lately, it seems like I'm stuck at the mouth of a cornucopia, getting smashed in the face by whatever hellish fiend flies out next.

I really don't want to whine, but it seems like a year's (or three...) worth of excitement has bounded ever so happily into our quiet little home. It started with the baby. Well, the pregnancy, actually. I discovered I was pregnant, went insane, lost our roommate, had 2 root canals, discovered I might have cancer, got gestational diabetes, hypertension, and pre-e... then had an emergency c-section where we both almost died.

Following that, I had the fastest c-section recovery the hospital had ever seen.

Then I discovered I was allergic to Percoset, stopped breathing, discovered that I had to care for this little lovey without much assistance, and tried to balance our budget for me to stay home.

Then my company was acquired by a rival. Part of the deal is that the rival has to buy the employees too. That means that we all get bonuses.... on the condition that you are an employee in good standing come December. At that point, you get half of 40% of your earnings from July 2008-July 2009. The second half will be delivered December of 2010.

This was all fine and dandy because my husband was supposed to be getting transferred in October so it didn't really apply to me.

Then our plans got canceled... the day I was going to resign.

Back to work I go.

Oh, no! Childcare!

"I'll watch her! I'll do it cheap! I don't have a job so anything you pay me will be fine."

"Oh, sorry, I don't want to watch your daughter anymore because you aren't paying me enough and here's a list of dates that I'm unavailable. I know there are days every week but I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to sleep and let my abusive husband watch your daughter all by himself. Now I'm sick. You still haven't paid me. By the way, I'm not available Halloween. I'm taking the kids trick or treating. I'm sorry that you have to work and have no one else to watch her but them's the breaks. Yes I realize that if I had told you I didn't want to keep your daughter just a few days sooner you could have hired a nanny but I really didn't take your feelings or plans into consideration because I resent the fact that you get to work and have a life outside of your kids."

It's time for Alyssa to start teething! And get a wicked diaper rash from her lack of care.

Oh wait, I made a horrible miscalculation, we would be on the streets if I weren't at work. Theres no way we can send her to daycare.

Oh what? Cancer. Shit, I forgot. Okay, do your test.... s0mething's wrong? Do another one, I'll wait patiently for the results.

It's my fault you didn't put the right address on your order? I'm letting some flake keep my daughter for half my pay and I have to put up with this shit? Lets re-evaluate the budget.

Shit. There really isn't enough money to go around.. Oh well, we're getting transferred in January, it'll all be over soon.

What, that may not happen? Oh well, our lease isn't up til January anyway.

November, you say?

Should we move and possibly save money, only to maybe get transferred in January or stay where we are, in a complex we hate, paying way too much?

Too bad I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my husband in a week. We might be able to come up with a plan if I didn't have to go to sleep before he even leaves work.

Can someone please stop the ride? I need a break!!!!!

Just relax, i'm going to rip out pieces of your vagina.

I went for my Colposcopy today. Things weren't as good as they could have been and we'll have to wait a week to see if they are as bad as they could be. Between now and then I have to try and keep my mind off of it. Riiiight.

So, I'm in the office, feet in stirrups and my husband grabs my hand. The doctor explained the procedure-- 'we put vinegar on your cervix. if you have abnormal cells, they will turn white. we'll biopsy any white spots to check for cancer. it could be bad... it could be nothing'

For a moment, I wondered how they dispose of samples once they have been tested. Then I wondered how many pieces of me are floating around the universe... is there a baggie with a little bit of me in it hanging out in Russia? How would I know?

My husband thought this would be a good time to relieve some of my anxiety. "Woah, there's a lady checking out your whohoo with a telescope!"

We all laughed, we kept making jokes, then the cells turned white.

A few snips, some iodine and "mud cells" later, and I was ready to go. We did a little shopping and got some lunch. The retail therapy helped relieve the stress a bit. I bought some frames to put more of our pictures in and I added to Alyssa's new Precious Moments collection.

I have a minor shopping addiction that has kind of exploded since I gave birth. I'm really hoping that I can wean myself off shopping once Christmas passes. At least I'm getting good deals! I haven't paid more than half price for anything and I even got a pair of steel toed boots for $10.

No matter what other problems I have, I just remind myself that I have a wonderful, happy, healthy baby and then I realize that nothing else matters. I want her to stay that way.

She's even sleeping through the night a little! She's such an angel when she's asleep. I love cuddling with her... it makes everything better.