This is Halloween...

My dearest friend, if you don't mind.
I'd like to join you by your side,
where we can gaze into the stars.
And sit together,
now and forever.
For it is plain as anyone can see,
we're simply meant to be

We made it 4 years! Who would have thought. I love you to the stars and I can't imagine a life without you in it. We started with next to nothing, and look at how we've grown! There's money in the bank, we have a gorgeous daughter, a giant ass cat and name brand electronics. Every day I look forward to spending time with you, even when we're just hanging out on the couch. Some of my favorite memories come from lazy days laying in bed, watching tv. You may not be the coolest person I know, but I certainly love you the most ;)

Without the bad, you cannot truly appreciate the good so I would not trade a moment of the last 4 years for anything.

I love you, babe. Through Heaven and Hell.

Now, if only I could sleep...

Since my daughter has been staying with her grandparents, I've spent a lot of time alone. So far I haven't really been able to get anything done since I've been sick. To make things easy, here's a short list of the things I haven't been doing:

Cleaning
Cooking
Housekeeping
Working Overtime
Sleeping
Packing
Repainting the Walls
Paying Attention to the Finances


The thing is, my baby is gone, My Husband is working graveyard, and I'm so stressed out from work that I wan't to explode. What's a girl to do?

Everyone's always asking how the baby is. I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me and my family. But... When I talk about it all the time, I miss her so much more. If I really think about it, I can almost feel her snuggled up on my shoulder, trying to fit my cheek into her mouth. I can almost hear her cooing at me while I try to fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I hear her cry. Then I cry because she isn't here.

Everyone keeps saying they don't know how I can do it; that they wouldn't have the strength. How am I doing it? Not well. Not well at all.

I really don't know that I'll be able to hold out until Christmas. That's two whole months away.

I have to. I have to do this for my family. I have to be stronger than I think I am. I know that we were meant to take her to Arkansas. It can't be coincidence that she got sick in the city with the best pediatrics hospital in the nation. I don't think chance led my father in law to retire early, making him available to watch Alyssa. I feel like we're being herded toward something fantastic and I'll just have to be patient until we have a better understanding of what we are supposed to do.

I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

'Ello gov'ner

Dear Blog,

Hi there! Remember me? Your writer? Yeah... sorry I haven't written in a while. Things got a little intense.

You see, first, we took Allie to stay with her Grandparents in Arkansas. That was an ordeal... I couldn't possibly have written while we were down there. And it's probably a good thing I didn't. Someday, Allie will read this and wonder why I keep calling Mimi "Lucifer" and why her daddy called Pops an egotistical prick.

Fortunately, Gigi and Grumpy are much more tame.

During our stay, we did lots of fun things like check out my parent's cabin, eat at a lot of amazing places, and visit some pretty cool people. We did some things that sucked too. Like fighting with my in-laws and sitting in the ER of Children's Hospital waiting on test results.

Oh, did I mention? Allie got swine flu. They say it was probably from the plane but I just don't know. Right now I kind of see this as "Hey, you just spent $1,000 to give your daughter pork chop fever and dump her with her grandparents. Mother of the Year award coming right up!".

I miss my daughter. I really, really dislike my job right now, and My Husband is working overnight so I'm all alone.

Being a grownup isn't very much fun right now.

Did I mention that I forgot to pack my Zoloft for the trip? Yeah, that went well...

Anyway, everything is starting to calm down a little bit so hopefully we'll be in touch more. I hope you understand-- it wasn't you, it's me.

Please forgive me. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,
Mallomar