Last night, I got very upset at My Husband and inadvertently dislocated his thumb. We are fine, we have talked about it, we have moved on.
However, I have noticed that I when I get embarrassed, scared, or really sad I become more likely to lash out. Last night, I became crazy embarrassed about nothing at all. My Husband ignored my plea to try and talk some sense into me, and I took that to mean "You're emotions don't matter, you're stupid."
I'm only moderately rational at my best... now is not the time to try and talk some sense into me.
When I was 14, my mom had me go to a doctor who told me that I was bipolar. They started me on medication and therapy, which was really popular at the time.
With my pregnancy hormones helping me go all nutty I have since learned that, maybe I'm not bipolar... maybe I was just really freaking hormonal. I feel exactly the same way I did the day my mom took me to the doctor.
I was a teenager and pissed off about something or another... I don't remember how it got started, by I told my dad that I wanted to kill myself (probably because I felt neglected or something) and he started laughing. That made me even m ore mad, so I grabbed a knife and jabbed it into my wrist.
Even then I understood that I didn't really want to die. I don't know what possessed me to try and prove him wrong, but that sent a clear message...
I wrapped my wrist up and went to school. A few hours later my mom came to get me. She took me to a doc that told me I was depressed about my weight. Note, at this point in time my bmi was low for my age and I could bench press 200lbs. I was not sad about my weight, but that horrible doctor made me feel like I was fat and then I became bulimic... that's another story.
Because of the fact that I didn't sleep a lot, often felt sad, and sometimes had crazy bursts of energy I was put on medication. I tried it for a few months and then stopped taking it. I never helped, but I tried to pretend it did.
Over the next few years I was on and off medication and in and out of counseling. It never really helped.
Looking back, they really took advantage of a mother that didn't know what to do, and a kid that didn't understand their body. I wish so bad that I could go back in time and have my mom take me to a different doctor that could have explained that it was just my hormones and maybe offered something different.
Now that I know what is causing these thoughts, not impulses-- just thoughts, I really think that I can try to keep them under better control.
Man... what a waste of money...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
the economy sucks, and you can too!
Our Roommate lost his job yesterday. For him, this means money stress, lots of planning and some hard decisions on the way. For us, this means money stress and the possibility of losing our roommate.
I feel so guilty because, basically, if he doesn't have a job by the time he was taking his scheduled Birthday trip home, that trip will become permanent. I feel bad that we can't carry him a little further, but we exhausted our resources the first time around.
I feel like we failed him. Like we weren't able to do enough to help-- we weren't as understanding as we needed to be.
This also means that I will have to work after the baby comes. We had hoped that I would get to stay home since daycare is scary and expensive (a 1 year old just drowned at daycare out here... yikes!) and I just didn't want to use that as an option. Now, I don't see another way.
Even if Our Roommate is able to find another job and contribute financially on a regular basis, I will have to keep working because you never know when he will come home and say that he doesn't have a job, or that he's tired of living with us and will be going elsewhere.
I really had pictured that we would all be together for the next few years. We even decided on what the baby would call him. "Skippy". (Thanks, Hey You!)
I don''t want him to leave. I want our family to work and grow together. I hope he can stay... but if he cant, we have to let him go. We may not be the best family, but we're all we've got out here.
I feel so guilty because, basically, if he doesn't have a job by the time he was taking his scheduled Birthday trip home, that trip will become permanent. I feel bad that we can't carry him a little further, but we exhausted our resources the first time around.
I feel like we failed him. Like we weren't able to do enough to help-- we weren't as understanding as we needed to be.
This also means that I will have to work after the baby comes. We had hoped that I would get to stay home since daycare is scary and expensive (a 1 year old just drowned at daycare out here... yikes!) and I just didn't want to use that as an option. Now, I don't see another way.
Even if Our Roommate is able to find another job and contribute financially on a regular basis, I will have to keep working because you never know when he will come home and say that he doesn't have a job, or that he's tired of living with us and will be going elsewhere.
I really had pictured that we would all be together for the next few years. We even decided on what the baby would call him. "Skippy". (Thanks, Hey You!)
I don''t want him to leave. I want our family to work and grow together. I hope he can stay... but if he cant, we have to let him go. We may not be the best family, but we're all we've got out here.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
anyways...
After that last editorial, I thought I would add something a little lighter.
I see myself as a typical American and, thus, probably have one of the worst diets known to man. Most of my food is prepackaged and can be prepared in as little as 5 minutes.
My mom wants me to get a baby food grinder.
Hey mom, have you met me? Your daughter? I can cook, I just don't. None of us eat at the same time, I hate to waste food, and I don't like to do dishes. Why on earth do you think I can make my own baby food?
I know, I know, it's so much less expensive to actually make your food. What if no one eats it? I made an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and we threw away half of a turkey. It was a damn good turkey too! And it was FREE! You remember, that turkey we fought for? Yeah... we had to throw it out.
While we were spending more money on food, we let something completely rot in our fridge. Almost any time we have leftovers, they don't get eaten. I have tried giving our leftovers to our neighbors, but as her husband (yeah, the asshole) said "Even we aren't that desperate."
Really, ass? Remember when you asked me for our questionable lunchmeat? Weren't too proud then, were ya.
Anyway...
I can't even figure out what three grown people want to eat, how am I going to know if the baby is in the mood for pureed carrots? Ugh... I'll give it a shot, but if the baby starts sending it's orders back or asks for substitutions, it's over.
I see myself as a typical American and, thus, probably have one of the worst diets known to man. Most of my food is prepackaged and can be prepared in as little as 5 minutes.
My mom wants me to get a baby food grinder.
Hey mom, have you met me? Your daughter? I can cook, I just don't. None of us eat at the same time, I hate to waste food, and I don't like to do dishes. Why on earth do you think I can make my own baby food?
I know, I know, it's so much less expensive to actually make your food. What if no one eats it? I made an awesome Thanksgiving dinner and we threw away half of a turkey. It was a damn good turkey too! And it was FREE! You remember, that turkey we fought for? Yeah... we had to throw it out.
While we were spending more money on food, we let something completely rot in our fridge. Almost any time we have leftovers, they don't get eaten. I have tried giving our leftovers to our neighbors, but as her husband (yeah, the asshole) said "Even we aren't that desperate."
Really, ass? Remember when you asked me for our questionable lunchmeat? Weren't too proud then, were ya.
Anyway...
I can't even figure out what three grown people want to eat, how am I going to know if the baby is in the mood for pureed carrots? Ugh... I'll give it a shot, but if the baby starts sending it's orders back or asks for substitutions, it's over.
What is wrong with us?
When I was young, everyone had high expectations for me-- not just my family, but my teachers, friends and peers. I was supposed to do something earth shattering to help improve my life and the lives of those around me; Not just the people I love, but also the people I don't really care for.
I was well on the road to becoming something amazing. In many ways, i'm glad that I didn't. My health and safety were in jeopardy. I was risking my own humiliation, as well as legal repercussions, just to be heard by the people who really could make a difference. Fortunately, for me, my life took a very different turn. I am alive and well, but now I feel like I'm a waste of oxygen because I am not doing anything-- I used to create and inspire, now I just get through the days and try not to cause a fuss.
6 years later, I am still mad as hell but I choose to deal with it rather than rock the boat. Now, it isn't just me who could fail... it could put My Husband in an awkward position.
A line from an old tv show sticks in my head. "You can't fight City Hall. You can't fight Corporate America."
When did we let things get so out of hand? Why did we give up our country? The government owns us and we are too afraid to lash out and get the benefits we deserve because they will tap our phones and throw us in jail on some fictional charge that they dreamed up while sitting in the living room of one of their many Barbie dream homes.
Meanwhile, My Husband, Myself, our fetus, and Our Roommate share a 2 bedroom 1,ooo square foot apartment that we pay entirely too much to live in. When my husband is working overnight, he can't sleep due to the noise of our upstairs tormenters or some crazed leaf blower trying to rid the world of silence.
We live on the second floor, and we can hear just about everything that goes on in our building. Luxury apartments? Really? I didn't know that we were living in Luxury Apartment Homes until one of my coworkers told me. "Oh, you live in the luxury complex! It must be really nice". "What complex are you talking about? These aren't luxury apartments... "
At that point, I realized why we were paying so much. We just really liked the location and they gave us a pretty good deal when we moved in. Since that time, the complex is under new management. I would love to really tell them what I think, but if they evict us... what will we do?
I guess the rest of America has that same mentality. "We can't fight... what if they do something?" That's why we don't fight for health care or better pay. That's why no one protested the bank bailout. Speaking of protests... where are they? Why aren't we sreaming at the top of our lungs? Half of Americans are unemployed right now, what's the worst that can happen? You go to jail where the feed you and provide shelter 24 hours a day?
We can have better lives, with less stress, we just have to stop trying to win whatever game we think we're in-- no one else is playing. It's just us.
I wanted to be something amazing... but I can't help anyone. Maybe the next generation will realize that we've been too quiet for too long. Hopefully, they won't fall into the social coma that we can't wake from.
Or maybe I just need some of those delicious little pills that make it all okay.
I was well on the road to becoming something amazing. In many ways, i'm glad that I didn't. My health and safety were in jeopardy. I was risking my own humiliation, as well as legal repercussions, just to be heard by the people who really could make a difference. Fortunately, for me, my life took a very different turn. I am alive and well, but now I feel like I'm a waste of oxygen because I am not doing anything-- I used to create and inspire, now I just get through the days and try not to cause a fuss.
6 years later, I am still mad as hell but I choose to deal with it rather than rock the boat. Now, it isn't just me who could fail... it could put My Husband in an awkward position.
A line from an old tv show sticks in my head. "You can't fight City Hall. You can't fight Corporate America."
When did we let things get so out of hand? Why did we give up our country? The government owns us and we are too afraid to lash out and get the benefits we deserve because they will tap our phones and throw us in jail on some fictional charge that they dreamed up while sitting in the living room of one of their many Barbie dream homes.
Meanwhile, My Husband, Myself, our fetus, and Our Roommate share a 2 bedroom 1,ooo square foot apartment that we pay entirely too much to live in. When my husband is working overnight, he can't sleep due to the noise of our upstairs tormenters or some crazed leaf blower trying to rid the world of silence.
We live on the second floor, and we can hear just about everything that goes on in our building. Luxury apartments? Really? I didn't know that we were living in Luxury Apartment Homes until one of my coworkers told me. "Oh, you live in the luxury complex! It must be really nice". "What complex are you talking about? These aren't luxury apartments... "
At that point, I realized why we were paying so much. We just really liked the location and they gave us a pretty good deal when we moved in. Since that time, the complex is under new management. I would love to really tell them what I think, but if they evict us... what will we do?
I guess the rest of America has that same mentality. "We can't fight... what if they do something?" That's why we don't fight for health care or better pay. That's why no one protested the bank bailout. Speaking of protests... where are they? Why aren't we sreaming at the top of our lungs? Half of Americans are unemployed right now, what's the worst that can happen? You go to jail where the feed you and provide shelter 24 hours a day?
We can have better lives, with less stress, we just have to stop trying to win whatever game we think we're in-- no one else is playing. It's just us.
I wanted to be something amazing... but I can't help anyone. Maybe the next generation will realize that we've been too quiet for too long. Hopefully, they won't fall into the social coma that we can't wake from.
Or maybe I just need some of those delicious little pills that make it all okay.
Friday, January 9, 2009
another reason pregnancy may not be for me
I hate doctors. This is no secret, as I rarely visit them unless I have a huge problem.
Yesterday, I was at work and started having sharp, stabbing lower abdominal pain. I asked a few pregnant women and a mom if that was normal. OMG... the only thing worse than a paranoid pregnant woman is OTHER pregnant women or women who have been pregnant. By the end of my shift, I was convinced that it was something horrible that would ultimately result in miscarriage.
I went to the Emergency Room.
My Husband called into work, which was fine because they were all told to stay home due to weather issues anyway, so that he could take me to the Emergency Room at 10pm. I was cranky and in pain and it was taking a long time. Once we got back there, they started checking me out to see what was going on. Then the doc comes in. We clashed immediately.
After lecturing me and damn near calling me a liar, he decided that it was round ligament pain and that I would live.
Note: I also had a fever. I'm usually around 96.4 and I was at 99. I had a fever. They ignored this.
I was really glad that everything was fine. Kind of pissed that the doc was talking down to me and just generally being an ass, but I was alright.
On the way to the car, My Husband goes "You know he's right, you need to quit smoking."
I was tired, hormonal, in pain, and just generally pissed off about the doc... This sent me into a horrible spiral of depression where I cried for the next 4 hours and wanted nothing more to do something incredibly stupid.
My husband could not figure out what was wrong and I started screaming about how it sucked to be reminded, hourly, that you are a failure as a human and will be a terrible mother to your horribly disfigured, uneducated, mentally inept, asthmatic child.
You are welcome to be an asshole when I'm normal, but when I'm pregnant, don't criticize or judge me. I almost drank a bottle of Woolite to save my baby from the horrors of being born with me as a mother, so now is really not the time to shame me into being a better person.
After My Husband finally started talking to me again, I told him how I was feeling. He a concerned, of course, because I could have done something terrible. I know that I wouldn't have, but the fact that the thought even entered my mind was enough to make him worry.
I really want to talk to my doc about it, but I'm afraid that she will force me to take anti-depressants. I'm not much of a medicine taker, and I'm afraid that anti-depressants would screw up my baby.. you know, more than it already is.
Anyway, my work is really pushing me to get my FMLA paperwork turned in so they won't have to fire me for freaking out and leaving work to make sure my fetus is still in there.
Well, my real doctor's office, not the E.R. jackass, says that they don't want to do the paperwork until later. I made it very clear that if I have to call in for any reason, or miss a few hours because I threw up on myself and had to go change clothes, I will lose my fucking job.
What kind of bullshit is this? Up until November, I had three months of perfect attendance. Three months. Since then, I have missed the equivalent of 6 days of work for various things.
My job gave me time off today to rest up and get the FMLA shit taken care of... now I have to go in tomorrow and say "Sorry, they won't fill the paperwork out.".
Now, according to FMLA, you can take your 12 weeks at any time during your pregnancy. Why does my doctor not agree? I'm in jeopardy of losing my freaking job, and the clinic just says "We don't do that until later. It's too early for the paperwork.".
I know that things aren't a big deal to them because it isn't their body or their life that they are screwing with, but I don't want to get fired for attendence problems because I got pregnant. I honestly thought that you were covered under FMLA whether there was paperwork or not and that you only needed the paperwork for maternity leave. Apparently my job feels very differently.
Yesterday, I was at work and started having sharp, stabbing lower abdominal pain. I asked a few pregnant women and a mom if that was normal. OMG... the only thing worse than a paranoid pregnant woman is OTHER pregnant women or women who have been pregnant. By the end of my shift, I was convinced that it was something horrible that would ultimately result in miscarriage.
I went to the Emergency Room.
My Husband called into work, which was fine because they were all told to stay home due to weather issues anyway, so that he could take me to the Emergency Room at 10pm. I was cranky and in pain and it was taking a long time. Once we got back there, they started checking me out to see what was going on. Then the doc comes in. We clashed immediately.
After lecturing me and damn near calling me a liar, he decided that it was round ligament pain and that I would live.
Note: I also had a fever. I'm usually around 96.4 and I was at 99. I had a fever. They ignored this.
I was really glad that everything was fine. Kind of pissed that the doc was talking down to me and just generally being an ass, but I was alright.
On the way to the car, My Husband goes "You know he's right, you need to quit smoking."
I was tired, hormonal, in pain, and just generally pissed off about the doc... This sent me into a horrible spiral of depression where I cried for the next 4 hours and wanted nothing more to do something incredibly stupid.
My husband could not figure out what was wrong and I started screaming about how it sucked to be reminded, hourly, that you are a failure as a human and will be a terrible mother to your horribly disfigured, uneducated, mentally inept, asthmatic child.
You are welcome to be an asshole when I'm normal, but when I'm pregnant, don't criticize or judge me. I almost drank a bottle of Woolite to save my baby from the horrors of being born with me as a mother, so now is really not the time to shame me into being a better person.
After My Husband finally started talking to me again, I told him how I was feeling. He a concerned, of course, because I could have done something terrible. I know that I wouldn't have, but the fact that the thought even entered my mind was enough to make him worry.
I really want to talk to my doc about it, but I'm afraid that she will force me to take anti-depressants. I'm not much of a medicine taker, and I'm afraid that anti-depressants would screw up my baby.. you know, more than it already is.
Anyway, my work is really pushing me to get my FMLA paperwork turned in so they won't have to fire me for freaking out and leaving work to make sure my fetus is still in there.
Well, my real doctor's office, not the E.R. jackass, says that they don't want to do the paperwork until later. I made it very clear that if I have to call in for any reason, or miss a few hours because I threw up on myself and had to go change clothes, I will lose my fucking job.
What kind of bullshit is this? Up until November, I had three months of perfect attendance. Three months. Since then, I have missed the equivalent of 6 days of work for various things.
My job gave me time off today to rest up and get the FMLA shit taken care of... now I have to go in tomorrow and say "Sorry, they won't fill the paperwork out.".
Now, according to FMLA, you can take your 12 weeks at any time during your pregnancy. Why does my doctor not agree? I'm in jeopardy of losing my freaking job, and the clinic just says "We don't do that until later. It's too early for the paperwork.".
I know that things aren't a big deal to them because it isn't their body or their life that they are screwing with, but I don't want to get fired for attendence problems because I got pregnant. I honestly thought that you were covered under FMLA whether there was paperwork or not and that you only needed the paperwork for maternity leave. Apparently my job feels very differently.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Self control? What's that?
Lately, I have been too ill to take my prenatal vitamins. Yes, I know what a terrible person I am, and I realize that my baby is now going to be born with a tail, but I couldn't help it.
When I don't take my vitamin, my cravings are so much more healthy! Last night, I was craving grapes (hardcore) and assorted other fruits, along with juice and milk.
I also ate an entire can of bean dip.
It was an act of war. Nothing was left, not even in the crevices. Now, I know what you're thinking. I did not eat said can of bean dip in one sitting, that would have been insane. I spread it out over several hours. Part of me was stress eating, part of me is 3 months pregnant... do not judge me!
Today, I was able to take my vitamin. What have I eaten, you ask? ( and if you didn't, I asked for you...)
So far, I have had a ham and cheddar hot pocket and half a box of Tomato & Basil Wheat Thins. They taste like the old Keebler pizza crackers, so I love them. A little too much.
The only real downside is that I'm now getting horrible gas from the combination of foods that I've been devouring at an alarming rate. Last night, we were at the grocery store... I was going to say something to My Husband... I opened my mouth, and instead of words, out came this colossal burp. At the end of the aisle, a couple looked at me in horror. My face turned bright red and I apologized while My Husband stood there laughing. Then I realized, I could have blamed it on him and no one would have ever known.
Anyway, my point was that taking vitamins, while giving your body many of the things it needs most, also kind of encourages poor eating habits. Basically, you can take a vitamin and eat some cardboard, and your body has no idea. Since you're actually getting the vitamins you need, you won't crave the foods that can provide them. It's a vicious circle and I'm starting to think that it's a government conspiracy-- just another way that The Man keeps us down.
Wait, aren't I The Man? How does that work? I'm confused... Oh look! Wheat Thins!
When I don't take my vitamin, my cravings are so much more healthy! Last night, I was craving grapes (hardcore) and assorted other fruits, along with juice and milk.
I also ate an entire can of bean dip.
It was an act of war. Nothing was left, not even in the crevices. Now, I know what you're thinking. I did not eat said can of bean dip in one sitting, that would have been insane. I spread it out over several hours. Part of me was stress eating, part of me is 3 months pregnant... do not judge me!
Today, I was able to take my vitamin. What have I eaten, you ask? ( and if you didn't, I asked for you...)
So far, I have had a ham and cheddar hot pocket and half a box of Tomato & Basil Wheat Thins. They taste like the old Keebler pizza crackers, so I love them. A little too much.
The only real downside is that I'm now getting horrible gas from the combination of foods that I've been devouring at an alarming rate. Last night, we were at the grocery store... I was going to say something to My Husband... I opened my mouth, and instead of words, out came this colossal burp. At the end of the aisle, a couple looked at me in horror. My face turned bright red and I apologized while My Husband stood there laughing. Then I realized, I could have blamed it on him and no one would have ever known.
Anyway, my point was that taking vitamins, while giving your body many of the things it needs most, also kind of encourages poor eating habits. Basically, you can take a vitamin and eat some cardboard, and your body has no idea. Since you're actually getting the vitamins you need, you won't crave the foods that can provide them. It's a vicious circle and I'm starting to think that it's a government conspiracy-- just another way that The Man keeps us down.
Wait, aren't I The Man? How does that work? I'm confused... Oh look! Wheat Thins!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Really? You couldn't wait?
A little while ago, my doctor's office called to give me the results of my pap smear. It came back abnormal because, apparently, I have HPV.
For those of you who have been completely oblivious to the women's health commercials, that means that I have an untreatable STI that, at best case, means that my cells are abnormal-- worst case? I have cervical cancer.
That's right, cancer. Not lung cancer from the years of smoking, but hooha cancer.
The best part? I can transmit this to my baby if it is born vaginally. Most of the time, nothing happens. But in a few cases, the baby is born with respiratory papillomatosis, which means that it could have lesions on it's vocal cords causing respiratory issues. Until we know which type of HPV I have, we won't know exactly what to expect. The biggest downside is that they can't get any further information until after the baby is born.
I will have to have a pap smear every 6 months, and they are going to a few tests to see if I have the cancerous version. In August or September. That means that... until then... I get to worry about the safety of my baby and my cervix. Fun!
Most women do not have any symptoms and HPV can only be found when doing a pap smear and checking for cervical cancer. I seriously urge everyone to get checked, even if you have already done so. I have been tested repeatedly over the last few years and this is the first time HPV has shown up. The doctor said that it can lay dormant and then just pop up out of nowhere
They think that it was triggered by my pregnancy, which is good because now I know to get more tests.
Now I get to go to my dentist and have a crown put on. What else is going to suprise me before the baby is born?
For those of you who have been completely oblivious to the women's health commercials, that means that I have an untreatable STI that, at best case, means that my cells are abnormal-- worst case? I have cervical cancer.
That's right, cancer. Not lung cancer from the years of smoking, but hooha cancer.
The best part? I can transmit this to my baby if it is born vaginally. Most of the time, nothing happens. But in a few cases, the baby is born with respiratory papillomatosis, which means that it could have lesions on it's vocal cords causing respiratory issues. Until we know which type of HPV I have, we won't know exactly what to expect. The biggest downside is that they can't get any further information until after the baby is born.
I will have to have a pap smear every 6 months, and they are going to a few tests to see if I have the cancerous version. In August or September. That means that... until then... I get to worry about the safety of my baby and my cervix. Fun!
Most women do not have any symptoms and HPV can only be found when doing a pap smear and checking for cervical cancer. I seriously urge everyone to get checked, even if you have already done so. I have been tested repeatedly over the last few years and this is the first time HPV has shown up. The doctor said that it can lay dormant and then just pop up out of nowhere
They think that it was triggered by my pregnancy, which is good because now I know to get more tests.
Now I get to go to my dentist and have a crown put on. What else is going to suprise me before the baby is born?
whoopsie
Apparently several of my posts have somehow not made it to the blog. I'm not really sure what happened, but I hope that it's been fixed.
Pregnancy is supposed to be a beautiful and miraculous thing-- a time for joy and appreciation of the amazing journey that lies ahead.
Well, sometimes it's not near as magical as it should be. I am super excited to be a mom, but right now everything is pissing me off. Currently I am sick of the following:
My Job
Noisy People
Our Upstairs and Downstairs Neighbors
Our Roommate Not Paying Rent on Time
My Lack of Higher Education
Living in an Apartment
My Root Canal
The Second Root Canal That Needs to be Done
The Apartment Being a Mess
Our Cat
Our Apartment Complex
Appointments
Smoking (side note: The doc has advised that I do not quit just yet, so don't judge me. I don't want 20 emails about how smoking is bad for my fetus)
Nothing Good on T.V.
Bills
Money in General
Traffic
Helpless People
Other People's Children
I know it doesn't seem like it, but that's actually a pretty short list considering that I'm angry 80% of my day.
I love the company I work for, but I seriously hate my job. Well, I like parts of my job, but any time I have to answer the phones and deal with people who seem completely helpless, it just pisses me off to the point that I can't even want to help them.
Right now, I do not plan to go back to work once the baby is born. I know that we will have to make a lot of lifestyle changes if this is going to happen, and I'm not sure how well we will be able to cope with it.
My biggest concern is getting the rest of our bills paid off before July. I have no idea how this is going to work. It has to... and I have to get a lot of money into our savings account, but I really don''t know where it' going to come from.
I hate to cut this short, but I just got a call from the clinic with some very scary news about my pap smear.
After I calm down and do a little research, I'll get back to you with the result.
For now, stare a my baby and my engorged uterus!
Pregnancy is supposed to be a beautiful and miraculous thing-- a time for joy and appreciation of the amazing journey that lies ahead.
Well, sometimes it's not near as magical as it should be. I am super excited to be a mom, but right now everything is pissing me off. Currently I am sick of the following:
My Job
Noisy People
Our Upstairs and Downstairs Neighbors
Our Roommate Not Paying Rent on Time
My Lack of Higher Education
Living in an Apartment
My Root Canal
The Second Root Canal That Needs to be Done
The Apartment Being a Mess
Our Cat
Our Apartment Complex
Appointments
Smoking (side note: The doc has advised that I do not quit just yet, so don't judge me. I don't want 20 emails about how smoking is bad for my fetus)
Nothing Good on T.V.
Bills
Money in General
Traffic
Helpless People
Other People's Children
I know it doesn't seem like it, but that's actually a pretty short list considering that I'm angry 80% of my day.
I love the company I work for, but I seriously hate my job. Well, I like parts of my job, but any time I have to answer the phones and deal with people who seem completely helpless, it just pisses me off to the point that I can't even want to help them.
Right now, I do not plan to go back to work once the baby is born. I know that we will have to make a lot of lifestyle changes if this is going to happen, and I'm not sure how well we will be able to cope with it.
My biggest concern is getting the rest of our bills paid off before July. I have no idea how this is going to work. It has to... and I have to get a lot of money into our savings account, but I really don''t know where it' going to come from.
I hate to cut this short, but I just got a call from the clinic with some very scary news about my pap smear.
After I calm down and do a little research, I'll get back to you with the result.
For now, stare a my baby and my engorged uterus!
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