Any chance I can get that 5 grand back?

Last night, I got very upset at My Husband and inadvertently dislocated his thumb. We are fine, we have talked about it, we have moved on.

However, I have noticed that I when I get embarrassed, scared, or really sad I become more likely to lash out. Last night, I became crazy embarrassed about nothing at all. My Husband ignored my plea to try and talk some sense into me, and I took that to mean "You're emotions don't matter, you're stupid."

I'm only moderately rational at my best... now is not the time to try and talk some sense into me.

When I was 14, my mom had me go to a doctor who told me that I was bipolar. They started me on medication and therapy, which was really popular at the time.

With my pregnancy hormones helping me go all nutty I have since learned that, maybe I'm not bipolar... maybe I was just really freaking hormonal. I feel exactly the same way I did the day my mom took me to the doctor.

I was a teenager and pissed off about something or another... I don't remember how it got started, by I told my dad that I wanted to kill myself (probably because I felt neglected or something) and he started laughing. That made me even m ore mad, so I grabbed a knife and jabbed it into my wrist.

Even then I understood that I didn't really want to die. I don't know what possessed me to try and prove him wrong, but that sent a clear message...

I wrapped my wrist up and went to school. A few hours later my mom came to get me. She took me to a doc that told me I was depressed about my weight. Note, at this point in time my bmi was low for my age and I could bench press 200lbs. I was not sad about my weight, but that horrible doctor made me feel like I was fat and then I became bulimic... that's another story.

Because of the fact that I didn't sleep a lot, often felt sad, and sometimes had crazy bursts of energy I was put on medication. I tried it for a few months and then stopped taking it. I never helped, but I tried to pretend it did.

Over the next few years I was on and off medication and in and out of counseling. It never really helped.

Looking back, they really took advantage of a mother that didn't know what to do, and a kid that didn't understand their body. I wish so bad that I could go back in time and have my mom take me to a different doctor that could have explained that it was just my hormones and maybe offered something different.

Now that I know what is causing these thoughts, not impulses-- just thoughts, I really think that I can try to keep them under better control.

Man... what a waste of money...