It's been a little over a week since my amazingly adorable bundle of human came out. My Parents have left, the party is over, and I'm freaking exhausted. A few days ago I started having a horrible reaction to the Percocet I was on... my legs swelled up really huge and I got this horrible itchy rash all over my body. "Oh, Percocet does that to some people. Sorry!"
There was also a horrifying 'almost 911 call' because I was breathing but completely unresponsive. I blamed the Percocet, so I stopped taking it. Let's talk about pain for a moment, shall we? Between incision pain, contractions, labor, random horrible aches that will 'go away in time', and headaches from all the drugs I've been in a whole lot of pain since the 22nd.
Did I mention I was in labor for something like 30 hours before the c-section?
Shortly after I stopped taking my pain medication, I realized that half the reason I'm doing so much better than everyone expected is because I was stoned out of my mind on Percocet. What else can I take? Nothing! ... Lovely.
Back to the point
So, pain plus lack of sleep plus cranky equals a very bad time for depression. But sure as shit, the 'baby blues' come stompin' down my street lookin' for a place to crash. I have cried and gotten angry and, as much as I hate to admit it, thought about just giving her to my parents and having a new sister rather than a daughter.
My Husband has tried to be helpful but he's tired too and has been a little too eager to focus on all of the things that I'm screwing up. I forgot to pay our cable bill, put something in the wrong place, growled at him in my sleep, forgot I was holding a baby and nearly dropped her, knocked a bunch of stuff over and started crying because I couldn't pick it up, oh, and let the baby roll off the couch. That's right, I've had her less than a month and she's already hit her head. She was on the couch with me, I got up to take something to the kitchen, she rolled over and wiggled her way right onto the floor, smacking her head in the process.
I freaked the fuck out.
I threw everything I was holding into a chair and grabbed her out of My Husband's arms. For the next 10 minutes or so I clung to her like my life depended on it, rocking back and forth, crying. I kept telling her how sorry I was while My Husband yelled at me for being so careless.
That's a great feeling, let me tell you.
I called my mom. Mom used to own a daycare and my dad was an EMT, so I really trust their judgment on how to handle things like this. They said that she was probably fine and that we should keep her up for at least an hour to make sure that she didn't have a concussion. There isn't even a bruise on her head, so I don't think she hurt herself, it was just horrifying.
There are some moments where I feel worthless... like I'm a complete failure and I think about how unlucky she is to have me as a parent because I'm not very good at it. During those times I try to reassure myself that it's mostly the depression that's causing this feeling and that it will get easier and I will get more confident.
Then a little voice in the back of my head chimes in: "What if..."
Right now my relationship with My Husband is strained, I feel disconnected from my baby, and I have yet to receive any payment from my short term disability claim (maternity leave). I know things will get better, I just hope it happens soon.
3 comments:
The more I talk to mommies trying to get the dirt, the REAL truth about mommyhood, the more I find that it isn't the giggles and twinkles that people want us to believe in.
One way or another, you will be torn open to get the baby out. You will remain in pain for a while. Your hormones cause you to lose your damn mind. You get pushed to the brink by this and lack of sleep. The baby screams a lot and smells terrible. Everyone tells you how you should be raising her differently, holding her differently, bathing her differently, and feeding her differently, thinking they are being helpful. There is no real-life manual to tell you how to put routines aside and incorporate baby into your life, so you will screw up. People don't tell you this.
But try not to feel bad about how you feel or what you are doing. Even those weird chicks who looooove babies so much they think they were born to breed have problems like these. Try to explain to Robin how hard it is to think straight when you are not only sleep-deprived, but also hormonally imbalanced.
One of my friends' mom had postpartum depression so bad that her mom couldn't bear to touch or look at her as a baby...and she was her mom's second child. Hearing the baby made her insane. It was hard for me to believe because she and her mom are so close, and her mom was always so loving and protective! I learned just how many women go through it...whether Tom Cruise and the Scientologynuts wanna admit it or not!
Oh darling - that's like reading a blog entry that I could have written 2 months ago.
Little known fact that I have told no one: Bella rolled off the couch at about 2 weeks old. I walked out of the room to take a breather and she rolled right off - and landed on her face. She was fine - I freaked - and now, well, I really take notice of things like that. It happens. She will bruise. She will bump her head. Welcome to the club!
I don't know HOW many time I used to just sit and cry that first month. Brian would rush me out of the room and grab Bella from me and let me go zone out. I was a zombie. All I could do was cry.
Little known fact part 2: for the first month and a half Brian and I actively, aloud, wondered if we made a mistake, and I would wonder if I should just take her back to the hospital. This feeling will stay with you, possibly, until you can get more sleep.
Sleep is an amazing thing. I PROMISE a lot of what you are feeling will go away once you can get more sleep. Lack of sleep does many, many horrible things to our bodies and minds. Add postpartum on top of that and it is amazing that any of us are walking around - that our mothers didn't abandon us and leave us to die.
You are strong. Remember that. Also remember: the first 3 months are HELL. This is your first child - all of this is new - and you are not a pro at it. Get used to the fact that you will screw up, and cry, and not feel connected to your daughter. I didn't really connect with Bella until month 2.
*big hugs* It's a tough, and scary, job. I can now look at Bella and fall in love with her and be amazed by her and all that warm your heart stuff. But I felt so disconnected from her that first month. Who is this person? Why is she crying? Is she really mine? For some of us it doesn't click right away...and that's okay. Of course it is okay.
Remember this: it will feel like the calm will NEVER HAPPEN - but it will. Horrible things will race through your mind and your body will want to reject anything and everything (just wait until the crazy horny like stuff sets in and you can't have sex yet).
Again - breathe - and it's okay. Sleep is on it's way. Your mind will balance out soon. And any day you will wake up and not feel your belly pain.
Love you.
And P.S. -
Brian and I (I think) are the perfect couple. The perfect match. Our relationship was put on major strain that first month. That will also work itself out.
Understand this: your mind is out of whack. I'm sorry to say this - but you are fucking nuts right now due to such a drastic lifestyle change and your hormones and stress levels and pain levels.
Understand this: your husband is watching you and your baby and freaking out because he has to take care of you both - and he doesn't know his baby and/or recognize you right now.
Brian just told me to tell you this: the day that both of us was finally able to breathe a little better was a day we let it all hang out - and it brought us closer together.
About a month into it (or less) Brian admitted to me that if he had to pick me or Bella to lay down in traffic for him - that he would choose Bella. That he loved his daughter - yet he *still* loved me more. I agreed. I told him that I felt like a bad mother because I loved my husband more than my daughter.
Love, like everything else, takes time...and admitting that was like a huge weight was lifted from our shoulders. We felt like we should automatically fall in love with this little girl - love her so much we would kill for her. Instead - we were unsure of our love for her, and if it would ever come.
Talk. Tell him everything you can - in a calm matter. If you are feeling one way - he might be feeling the same way but scared to admit it.
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