Holy crap, what did you eat?!

There are a lot of things that people don't tell you about the first weeks of motherhood-- for instance, that you will probably injure your baby. There are also a lot of lies that get spread: "If you breastfeed, their diapers won't stink as bad!" Riiiiiight. 'Kay. So, if you use formula, your child will be able to gag the neighbors? Sometimes it nearly knocks me over and I'm used to 'manly men' and their lax rules about public flatulence (one of the many perks of having a military husband)

It feels good to know that, at one point in my life, I was content to suck on a boob, throw up, crap my pants and pass out. Then again, that sounds like a lot of my old friends' daily routines.

Taking on the responsibility of a child may sound like a good idea, hell, it may feel like a good idea, but make sure you think it through. Here is a list of 10 reasons to reconsider that condom:

1. You will have to change their diaper. A lot. When you're half asleep and your motor functions aren't quite up to par. If you are not okay with being covered in poo, you really, really need to think about this.

2. They eat every 2 hours. This may seem like a long time but 30 minutes of that 2 hours is spent feeding them, so really, they eat every hour and a half. Think about the time it takes you to fall back asleep once you've been rudely woken up in the middle of the night. Now think about how many hours of sleep you need so that you can go to work in the morning. Realize that you will not sleep. Ever.

3. They're cute as hell and everyone is going to tell you how awesome they are. This may seem like a perk until it's 4:30 am, you haven't showered in a week, there is spit-up in your hair and all down your back and your little darling just won't stop crying. They aren't so cute then.

4. There is nothing good on t.v. This may not seem relevant until you've been awake for 54 hours watching MASH reruns. It is a lot easier to stay awake if you have something to distract you. Even if you have HBO, half of the movies are crap.

5. You will start to worry when they stop crying. Seriously. If the kid hasn't cried in 4 hours, you will begin to panic. Your partner will not appreciate you waking them up to ask if you should take the baby to the doctor. I believe this could be one of the top 5 reasons that spouses are murdered.

6. You are going to feel like you are doing everything wrong. This can be very challenging those that aren't used to being wrong. In fact, you may just feel like the universe has exploded and is focusing all of it's destructive energy on your life. This could be very damaging if you are that sort of person. Yep.

7. People give you the dumbest advice and you have to seem happy about it. Well, you should seem happy about it because it gets them to stop talking. "Don't forget to rub vinegar in their hair. It'll prevent cradle cap!" Riiight.... because science works that way. The truth is, NO IT DOESN'T, SHUT YOUR HOLE.

8. Strangers think it's alright to make jokes about your kid. "She's a feisty one, isn't she?!" Yeah. She's wiggly. She's trying to crawl to your throat and strangle you. You want to talk about a kid being fussy, have one of your own. There is not enough sleep in the world to make a parent think your jackassery is funny.

9. Even though they can't even crawl yet, you will start to worry about their future. Not like "Oh, she'll be one in a few months" no, much worse "Oh my god, she's going to start dating any day now. What the hell am I going to do?" Your mother was right, you will get paid back for your raising.

10. Aside from all of the physical, mental, and emotional changes you realize that this is a huge, life altering event. You will never again be able to go to the bathroom in peace.

This list may make it seem like no one on earth should ever have a child, and I'm not saying that. In fact, I love being a new mom. It's awesome. I created a human and now I get to watch them grow and discover everything for the first time. I'll get to help shape their personality and hopefully teach them to make good decisions. I'll be there to hold her and cry with her when she makes bad decisions. We are going to become this awesome family and there is no better feeling in the world than comforting your new child when no one else can. Seriously. It makes me feel like I'm this crazy powerful being with magical powers (boobs)

If you are currently thinking about starting a family, block out all of the fuzzy happy thoughts and really focus on the downside. If you're still excited, then go for it. It's the best thing you'll ever do.