At least it's something...

I am officially on maternity leave.

Though I probably won't have this kid for several more weeks, the doc took me off work. Today, I discovered that I may have been a little vague about exactly what is going on since some of my coworkers were shocked. "But you aren't due yet... if you take off now you won't have much time once she's born."

Yeah, I'm well aware of that. It isn't like it's a freaking choice. Do you really think my doctor sat there and thought "Hmm... I wonder how I can make her day a little worse. I know, I'll take away her income and leave her at home, in bed, with little purpose in life. Yes, that sounds wonderful!"

Do you think I got the news and was excited? Knowing that I'm staying at home instead of contributing to our bank account, trying to do as much as I can but also knowing that the whole point of taking me off work is so that I can rest?

If you had any clue what it was like to have your doctor look you in the eye and say "Yes, this could kill you and your baby." you wouldn't envy my time off work.

For the most part I'm staying as positive as possible (so please don't reassure me that everything is going to be fine. I must say that 100 times a day. I know it's going to be fine. And I know that there isn't anything I can do about it if it isn't fine. Thank you.) but sometimes it really bothers me.

Even if we both make it through the birthing process, there's still that whole HPV "Dear lord, you may have cervical cancer... don't go into preterm just because you got bad news" thing.

Some days it feels like the cards are stacked against me.

Then I look around the corner and see parts of Alyssa's room. My heart totally melts when I imagine her laying in the crib, wearing some of the cute outfits, even when I envision her waking up crying because she had a nightmare...

I know that she isn't killing me on purpose. Poor little baby has no idea what her momma's going through just to make sure that she is safe and well. I really hope that she never has to know. But one day, she may grow up and decide that she wants to have kids. I will need to make sure she understands what can happen.

Apparently, some of these problems run in my family.

I was totally unaware.

No one wanted to worry me.

I know you were trying to protect me, but damn. A little heads up would have been nice.