I am crazy and pregnant. Do NOT screw with me.

The least you need to know: I pulled a knife on a woman that took a swing at me in the parking lot.

The rest of the story: There I was, driving to work like normal. I was in the far left lane and was moving over to the middle lane, that way I had plenty of time to get into the far right lane and get off at the appropriate exit. There was at least 800 feet between where my vehicle was and the nearest car in the middle lane, so I put on my turn signal and waited 5 seconds before moving over (giving them ample time to know that I was indeed changing lanes)

The bitch sped up.

Not just a little, but enough to almost rear-end me.

Then she honked at me, flipped me off, and made lots of rude gestures.

I was a little pissed since I was following the correct lane changing procedure and she was just being insane, but I let it go.

A little while later, once I moved over to the far right lane, I realized she was following me. Actually, not just following me-- chasing me.

Once I got off at my exit, I pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store so that she wouldn't follow me to work. (That's the last thing I need at work right now... seriously. There was a very important tour and yelling at someone in the parking lot is grounds for termination.)

When we were parked next to each other, we both rolled down our windows and were yelling. She was screaming about what a horrible driver I am and I was screaming just as loud about traffic laws. She called me some very horrible things and then jumped out of her car, screaming "I'm going to kick your ass, you fucking cunt."

So, I hopped out of my car with my knife in my hand.

We were still yelling and then she ran up to me and started swinging.

I flicked open my knife and very nearly stabbed her.

Once she saw my incredibly pregnant stomach and the knife that was coming toward her face, she jumped back and put her hands up "Whoa, let's talk about this! You're right, I did speed up. I didn't want you to get in front of me because I was in a hurry." Then she started apologizing and got back in her car.

I was still yelling and trying to go after her.

She pulled away just as a cop pulled up.

Fortunately, he saw her swing at me and understood that I pulled the knife out to protect myself. He asked me to put the knife down and calmly explained that if I didn't calm down he would have to cuff me and take me in since I would be considered a danger to myself or others.

Then he spent the next 10 minutes trying to talk me into pressing charges. He sent an officer after the other lady, just in case. I let him know that since she didn't actually hit me, it wasn't a problem and that I was just very upset because she had chased me through traffic and then tried to hit me.

After a little while, once I was calm, he let me go and said that they were probably going to arrest her anyway.

Then I got to work. Apparently, I looked like a crazy lady that had just been in a fight, so I had to tell my co-workers what happened.

The tale started with "I almost went to jail this morning."

It's an awesome story.