another reason pregnancy may not be for me

I hate doctors. This is no secret, as I rarely visit them unless I have a huge problem.

Yesterday, I was at work and started having sharp, stabbing lower abdominal pain. I asked a few pregnant women and a mom if that was normal. OMG... the only thing worse than a paranoid pregnant woman is OTHER pregnant women or women who have been pregnant. By the end of my shift, I was convinced that it was something horrible that would ultimately result in miscarriage.

I went to the Emergency Room.

My Husband called into work, which was fine because they were all told to stay home due to weather issues anyway, so that he could take me to the Emergency Room at 10pm. I was cranky and in pain and it was taking a long time. Once we got back there, they started checking me out to see what was going on. Then the doc comes in. We clashed immediately.

After lecturing me and damn near calling me a liar, he decided that it was round ligament pain and that I would live.

Note: I also had a fever. I'm usually around 96.4 and I was at 99. I had a fever. They ignored this.

I was really glad that everything was fine. Kind of pissed that the doc was talking down to me and just generally being an ass, but I was alright.

On the way to the car, My Husband goes "You know he's right, you need to quit smoking."

I was tired, hormonal, in pain, and just generally pissed off about the doc... This sent me into a horrible spiral of depression where I cried for the next 4 hours and wanted nothing more to do something incredibly stupid.

My husband could not figure out what was wrong and I started screaming about how it sucked to be reminded, hourly, that you are a failure as a human and will be a terrible mother to your horribly disfigured, uneducated, mentally inept, asthmatic child.

You are welcome to be an asshole when I'm normal, but when I'm pregnant, don't criticize or judge me. I almost drank a bottle of Woolite to save my baby from the horrors of being born with me as a mother, so now is really not the time to shame me into being a better person.

After My Husband finally started talking to me again, I told him how I was feeling. He a concerned, of course, because I could have done something terrible. I know that I wouldn't have, but the fact that the thought even entered my mind was enough to make him worry.

I really want to talk to my doc about it, but I'm afraid that she will force me to take anti-depressants. I'm not much of a medicine taker, and I'm afraid that anti-depressants would screw up my baby.. you know, more than it already is.

Anyway, my work is really pushing me to get my FMLA paperwork turned in so they won't have to fire me for freaking out and leaving work to make sure my fetus is still in there.

Well, my real doctor's office, not the E.R. jackass, says that they don't want to do the paperwork until later. I made it very clear that if I have to call in for any reason, or miss a few hours because I threw up on myself and had to go change clothes, I will lose my fucking job.

What kind of bullshit is this? Up until November, I had three months of perfect attendance. Three months. Since then, I have missed the equivalent of 6 days of work for various things.

My job gave me time off today to rest up and get the FMLA shit taken care of... now I have to go in tomorrow and say "Sorry, they won't fill the paperwork out.".

Now, according to FMLA, you can take your 12 weeks at any time during your pregnancy. Why does my doctor not agree? I'm in jeopardy of losing my freaking job, and the clinic just says "We don't do that until later. It's too early for the paperwork.".

I know that things aren't a big deal to them because it isn't their body or their life that they are screwing with, but I don't want to get fired for attendence problems because I got pregnant. I honestly thought that you were covered under FMLA whether there was paperwork or not and that you only needed the paperwork for maternity leave. Apparently my job feels very differently.