Letting my daughter stay with my parents and my in-laws has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Emotionally, I'm hanging by a thread.

To add to my stress level, my husband was told that we are going to be moving in December. I will have to stay behind, all alone, until I get that stupid effing bonus or else every sacrifice we have made will all be for nothing.

Here's the scoop. It takes me an hour to get to work each day so basically with my commute, I devote an extra 10 hours a week to my job-- unpaid.

A while back they started making us do 30 minutes of mandatory overtime each day. Cool. fine. whatever.

Yesterday, we got news that instead of thirty minutes each day we are now required to do 8 HOURS A WEEK. 4 hours of which have to be during peak times, from 4-8pm Monday through thursday or from 6am to 8pm on Saturday.

Kay.

I work 11-8 with Tuesday/Wednesday off. This means that I will be forced to either go in crazy early on Saturday or show up on a day off. Plus squeeze in 4 hours of overtime elsewhere.

So.. this takes my workweek from 50 hours to 58 hours... If I go in on my day off, 60 hours with the commute. Plus, since it will be at peak traffic times, it could easily become 62 hours.

The crap, Job. The crap.

It's one thing to put in an extra hour or so if you live close by... its a whole different story if you live across town and have to drive really far to get there.

If you live five minutes away, working 2 extra hours make it a long day, but it's totally do-able on a regular basis.

If you live an hour away, that makes for one long ass day, plus unsafe driving conditions. Hello exhaustion!

This bonus is seeming more and more unattainable... I wonder if that's part of their master plan.

Now, just imagine if I had to throw childcare into the mix. When we were using our sitter on base, my commute went from 2 hours a day to 3.5 hours. If I were topping that off with crazy ass overtime, I would die. Die, I tell you.

I am so tempted to just quit and go get my baby. I know I would be happier. It wouldn't be possible to be more miserable than I am right now.

My Husband is still working overnights, so we never see each other. I feel so alone and I miss my baby. Emotionally, I don't know if I'm going to make it through Christmas at my job. I heard a rumor that they may be handing out the bonuses early to boost morale. If they do, I'm out.

I will get my daughter and live happily ever after.

Let's hope for the best and dread the worst, when the overtime really kicks in after thanksgiving.

Honestly, this year, it's really hard to think of something to be thankful for, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. I can always see the silver lining and I refuse to let this situation be any different.

So good I had to share....

I've been super busy trying to get my Nano done. I'm at about 25,000 words, so I'm halfway there! To make up for my lack of posting, here's a quick recipe.

I made a super awesome dinner last night and I wanted to share it with you.
(serves 2-4)

1 bag of cheese and broccoli rice
1 pouch of tuna
2 tbsp red pepper alfredo sauce
garlic powder to taste
onion powder to taste
1 pouch crushed red pepper (like, from pizza hut)

make rice according to instructions adding tuna after the water boils (when you turn the heat down.)

Wait 5-6 minutes then add garlic powder, alfredo sauce, onion powder and crushed red pepper.

Serve with buttered wheat toast.

It only takes about 15 minutes from start to finish and it's really good.

Spotty

Sorry for the lack of posting. Rather than doing NaBloPoMo, I'm doing NaNoWriMo! I'm currently at 12,000 words. Only 38,000 to go!

there has been a bit of drama in the air lately, some of it about my NaNo story. Alyssa is in AR with her grandparents. I've been missing a bit of work due to my emotional state. Last night I got more sleep than I've had in the last two weeks combined, I could go right back to bed and sleep that long again.

Father in law called yelling at me yesterday. I screamed at him. It was lovely. I have never spoken so forcefully to my husbands family but he had no right to yell at me. Especially since I was supposed to be at work then anyway.

Then I called my mom and learned some interesting things about what my in laws have been subjecting my baby to.

I don't know that they will be caring for her in the future. I may just go and get her. I'm so mad I could spit nails.

We are officially moving. More info once I'm in the 'safety zone'.

One of my only friends in Las Vegas forced me to buy an ipod touch (she even paid for part of it... how awesome is that?!) and I've been spending waaaayyy too much time with the silly aps.

Then again, after we worked, like, a 17 hour shift, I think I deserve a little mindless fun.

Oh yeah, we had hella overtime at work.

It was a little awesome.

this just in: working for a living sucks.

I will post a more thorough update soon, but for now, I need to write like the wind!

This is Halloween...

My dearest friend, if you don't mind.
I'd like to join you by your side,
where we can gaze into the stars.
And sit together,
now and forever.
For it is plain as anyone can see,
we're simply meant to be

We made it 4 years! Who would have thought. I love you to the stars and I can't imagine a life without you in it. We started with next to nothing, and look at how we've grown! There's money in the bank, we have a gorgeous daughter, a giant ass cat and name brand electronics. Every day I look forward to spending time with you, even when we're just hanging out on the couch. Some of my favorite memories come from lazy days laying in bed, watching tv. You may not be the coolest person I know, but I certainly love you the most ;)

Without the bad, you cannot truly appreciate the good so I would not trade a moment of the last 4 years for anything.

I love you, babe. Through Heaven and Hell.

Now, if only I could sleep...

Since my daughter has been staying with her grandparents, I've spent a lot of time alone. So far I haven't really been able to get anything done since I've been sick. To make things easy, here's a short list of the things I haven't been doing:

Cleaning
Cooking
Housekeeping
Working Overtime
Sleeping
Packing
Repainting the Walls
Paying Attention to the Finances


The thing is, my baby is gone, My Husband is working graveyard, and I'm so stressed out from work that I wan't to explode. What's a girl to do?

Everyone's always asking how the baby is. I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me and my family. But... When I talk about it all the time, I miss her so much more. If I really think about it, I can almost feel her snuggled up on my shoulder, trying to fit my cheek into her mouth. I can almost hear her cooing at me while I try to fall asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I hear her cry. Then I cry because she isn't here.

Everyone keeps saying they don't know how I can do it; that they wouldn't have the strength. How am I doing it? Not well. Not well at all.

I really don't know that I'll be able to hold out until Christmas. That's two whole months away.

I have to. I have to do this for my family. I have to be stronger than I think I am. I know that we were meant to take her to Arkansas. It can't be coincidence that she got sick in the city with the best pediatrics hospital in the nation. I don't think chance led my father in law to retire early, making him available to watch Alyssa. I feel like we're being herded toward something fantastic and I'll just have to be patient until we have a better understanding of what we are supposed to do.

I understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

'Ello gov'ner

Dear Blog,

Hi there! Remember me? Your writer? Yeah... sorry I haven't written in a while. Things got a little intense.

You see, first, we took Allie to stay with her Grandparents in Arkansas. That was an ordeal... I couldn't possibly have written while we were down there. And it's probably a good thing I didn't. Someday, Allie will read this and wonder why I keep calling Mimi "Lucifer" and why her daddy called Pops an egotistical prick.

Fortunately, Gigi and Grumpy are much more tame.

During our stay, we did lots of fun things like check out my parent's cabin, eat at a lot of amazing places, and visit some pretty cool people. We did some things that sucked too. Like fighting with my in-laws and sitting in the ER of Children's Hospital waiting on test results.

Oh, did I mention? Allie got swine flu. They say it was probably from the plane but I just don't know. Right now I kind of see this as "Hey, you just spent $1,000 to give your daughter pork chop fever and dump her with her grandparents. Mother of the Year award coming right up!".

I miss my daughter. I really, really dislike my job right now, and My Husband is working overnight so I'm all alone.

Being a grownup isn't very much fun right now.

Did I mention that I forgot to pack my Zoloft for the trip? Yeah, that went well...

Anyway, everything is starting to calm down a little bit so hopefully we'll be in touch more. I hope you understand-- it wasn't you, it's me.

Please forgive me. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,
Mallomar

Survey says...

The results are in. What results? The cancer results.

So, as the doctor explained to me, the cervix is round like a clock. They took tissue samples from the cell clusters at 1 oclock and 9 oclock. The tissue from 1 oclock is perfect and normal and everything is happy. The tissue from 9 oclock... well... we just don't know. I have to go back in 6 months for another colposcopy. So the threat of cancer is still looming, but at least we know that part of me is alright.

In other news, we are bringing Alyssa to Arkansas on the 7th of October. She will be staying with a combination of all of her grand and great-grand parents, plus my aunt and possibly some family friends. The village is raising my child.

When will we get her back? That's really up in the air right now. It's possible that she will be back at the end of November, or the beginning of December, or Christmas Eve.

This means that I will miss my baby's first Halloween, her first Thanksgiving, and possibly her first Christmas Eve.

I am beyond sad.

I just keep telling myself that this is a choice and we made the best choice for our family. She is going to be with people that love her and she is going to be well cared for so I don't have to worry about someone flaking out and leaving her with people I don't know.

Her diaper will also be changed.

Today, a friend of mine is going to the courthouse with me to try and get this whole traffic violation thing taken care of. The automated system made it sound like I won't be responsible for paying anything as long as I go down there and prove that I have insurance.

I'm not sure how that works since the ticket is mainly for speeding, but let's hope that it's correct.

I have to get this taken care of today or at least sometime in the next few days, since we will be in Arkansas on my court date. Let's hope this goes smoothly.